Your Nudity: What’s it Worth?


Erin Andrews just won a $55 million (*gulp*) suit against a creep and a clumsy hotel chain. I’m a huge fan of hers. She’s adorable and one of the most knowledgeable sports reporters around, both genders considered. I can see how she was traumatized by this peeping twat. She deserved remuneration, and I’m glad she got it.

When I heard about the ruling, though, I wondered what sort of settlement an average Joe or Jane would receive. I’d probably get around a buck, two-fifty. You know what? I’d take it proudly.

Nudity is valued differently by men versus women. We men learn to change, shower, and defecate in front of other men. I rarely suffer stage-fright when in front of a urinal, unless my neighbor is staring at my spigot and drooling. It’s a cock. Billions around. Most look alike. Same with my balls and ass. Heck, why are women’s nipples precious, while men’s nipples are non-noteworthy? Glands are glands.

Should the courts set prices for each body part to save time with future proceedings? I’ll lend a hand. Here are the fines for capturing the unintentional exposure of women:

  • Boobs with partial nipple exposure: $200
  • Boobs with full nipple exposure: $500
  • Butt crack, cheeks exposed, balloon knot concealed: $100
  • Butt, with entirely exposed crackage: $2000
  • Vagina, lips tucked: $500
  • Vagina, lips pursed: $1000

Now, each of those values need to have other factors considered and applied.

  • Age 18-25: Fines doubled.
  • Age 55+: Fines halved.
  • A-List Celebrity: Fines times 10,000.
  • B-List Celebrity: Fines times 100.
  • YouTube Cewebrity: Fines tripled.
  • Caught Ironing, Cooking, or Showering: Fines doubled.
  • Caught Masturbating: Fines times 10.
  • Caught Masturbating with Zucchini: Fines times 25 (also, banana 10, eggplant 50).

Fines for capturing men naked are similar, but divide each by ten, then replace labia with testicles and zucchini with tube socks.

These same infractions would not be handled as harshly in Europe, because Europenises don’t care so much about nudity. I like them peeps. Not caring is a life goal of mine. Thick, nude skin is difficult to penetrate. If I step from the shower to find Ms. Creepers outside my window recording me as I dry off my nanners, I’ll be taken aback a bit. If I find the video on YouTube the next day, my reaction will depend on the thumbs-up ratio, and if there are negative comments posted by any women in my spank bank. Still, I wouldn’t press charges because that will only draw more attention to my lap acorn, and any potential court settlement wouldn’t be substantial enough to buy me a six-pack of my favorite Firestone-Walker beer.

So, chin up, Erin! You’re talented, gorgeous, and now rich enough to start your own network. You’ll be just fine.

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About the author

Author of humorous essays about relationships and lifestyles.