Your guide to whether it’s cool or douchey.

Let’s begin with one we can all agree upon: decals on your rear window are douchey–very douchey. Scrape them off immediately (or, as Chris Harrison would say, “uh-mediately”) before I paint penises on them.

You may ask what qualifies me to assemble such a guide. Let’s just say I’ve done my share of douchey things while attempting to be cool. In no particular order in degree of douchiness: I have worn a Speedo, pinky ring, and white shoes (this was not compound douchiness, thank goodness). I have driven a corvette, hung a fuzzy animal from my rearview mirror, and owned an orange Datsun B210. I sent an email poking fun at someone to a larger-than-intended list of recipients–did that five times. I abandoned a bad date (ran away like the building was about to explode). Finally, I took an “upper-decker” at a friend’s house because she poked fun at the vest I was wearing. I am the King of Douches and, thus, am best-qualified to lend my crown.

  • If you get pool towels and place them on chairs to reserve them, then leave: douchey. If you bring me a beer: cool.
  • If you fart and spit at the urinal: douchey. If you stand five feet back and are still able to hit the urinal cake: cool.
  • If you splash creamer on the Starbucks counter and walk away: douchey. If you lick it up: cool.
  • If you carry your wine in a pouch or case: douchey. If you carry your cigar in a case: cool.
  • If, instead of using your hands, you tip your face down to the martini and slurp because you’re afraid to spill it: douchey. If you grab a straw and drink it down in three or fewer sucks: cool.
  • If you make small talk on public transportation: douchey. If you sleep without snoring: cool.
  • If you make a tombstone out of your skin: douchey. If I can’t see your tattoo: cool.
  • If you slide headfirst in a recreational softball game: douchey (unless you’re Pete Rose). If you bunt: cool.
  • If you text while driving in front of me: douchey. If you text while I’m pounding you from behind: cool.
  • If you bring your dog to the restaurant: douchey. If you bring your parrot: cool.
  • If writing a 1-star review is the closest you’ll ever come to being published: douchey. If you fall face-first into a wood chipper: cool.
  • If you consider golf, NASCAR, and poker to be sports: douchey. If you can hit a curve: cool.
  • If there are stickers on the cap you’re wearing: douchey. If your cap has salt stains: cool.
  • If you’re driving a convertible with the top down and windows up: douchey. If you’re going down on her while she drives: cool (sorry about that sore neck).
  • If your Facebook profile picture has other people in it, especially the most wonderful man in the world who you just met and he’s absolutely you’re soul mate: douchey. If it’s a picture of a dead actor: cool.
  • If your children are playing in the street: douchey. If they’re playing Rollerball: cool.
  • If you try to change someone’s vote: douchey. If you vote: cool.

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About the author

Author of humorous essays about relationships and lifestyles.
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