Your guide to texting while intoxicated.

Inhibition-lowering substances can be useful, yet often cause embarrassment. It’s a tightrope walk with my dangling friend, Willy. If I have too little, Willy yawns and balks at opportunities that may have rescued an uneventful evening. If I have too much, Willy seems to disconnect from me and takes on a life of his own. (I’ve actually faked an orgasm to prevent serious brush burns.) The right amount of saturation lies somewhere between the ludicrous 0.08% line and the oh-fuck-what-have-I-done line.

It’s impractical to install a breath analyzer on my iPhone, though it would be an interesting conversation piece. Hence, if my staggering thumbs can make it past the 4-digit passcode, something bad is going to happen. I’m going to scroll through my list of mercy fucks and fire off a text message that will cause a great deal of cringing on both ends.

Yet, iPhones are smart devices with ever-growing lists of useful apps. I humbly request one be developed that provides a list of spell-checked messages that can be selected and deployed with minimal typing and maximal security. It would be even better if Siri had a conversation with me before agreeing to fire off the message.

TEXT: “Hey, what are you up to?”

*SEND*

Siri: “Are you sure you want to send this to Judy?”

*YES*

Siri: “You haven’t spoken to her in three months. Are you sure?”

*YES*

Siri: “Was she that good in bed?”

*NO*

Siri: “Then, perhaps you should reconsider and send this to Anne. Want to?”

*NO*

Siri: “You do realize it’s almost midnight.”

*YES*

Siri: “She’s probably sleeping or out with friends who will see your message. Heck, she may be married by now. Are you sure?”

*YES*

Siri: “Have you considered masturbation?”

*YES*

Siri: “Another option would be to have three more shots, which should cause you to pass out and prevent you from doing something you’ll regret.”

*NO*

Siri: “Shall I call your friend Scott so you can run this ill-advised plan past him?”

*NO*

Siri: “Why not? Has he slept with Judy?”

*NO*

Siri: “She might have her period.”

*NO*

Siri: “Hey, what do you say we play a little Words with Friends, sober up a bit, and revisit this in thirty minutes or so?”

*NO*

Siri: “Christ. You’re that horny?”

*YES*

Siri: “Aren’t there any desperate-looking women in your vicinity? Preferably ones at a similar level of inebriation.”

*NO*

Siri: “Have you considered having a burrito instead?”

*YES*

Siri: “Fine. But, if we send this to Judy and she sends back something cruel, do you promise not to throw me?”

*YES*

Siri: “If, for some odd reason, she agrees to hook up with you, can I watch?”

*NO*

Siri: “Prick. Sending …”

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About the author

Author of humorous essays about relationships and lifestyles.