Your Guide to Group Dates

With all the disappointment surrounding most one-on-one internet-arranged blind dates, let’s welcome a new way to meet people: group dates. Think of this as the buffet of the dating world. Instead of being stuck with a meal (mate) the waiter (website) recommends because it’s about to spoil (hasn’t been laid since white belts were cool), you can browse the buffet until you satisfy your appetite.

Typical complaints I hear regarding dates arranged by traditional dating sites include:

  1. He was ten years older than he claimed–maybe twenty.
  2. She was twenty pounds heavier than she claimed–maybe thirty.
  3. He was four inches shorter than he claimed.
  4. She had ass breath.
  5. He wore leather sandals.
  6. She downed four drinks before dinner.
  7. He must have showered in cheap cologne. I smelled him from the parking lot.
  8. She spent most of the date staring at her iPhone.
  9. He was expecting to have sex after dinner.
  10. She had man hands.

This can all be avoided on the group date. When stuck next to a dud, excuse yourself and move down the buffet to the next item, Sugarsnack. Keep in mind there’s a certain decorum required in the group date atmosphere. It’s not quite as awkward as the one-on-one date, but you don’t want to show up unprepared. Let me help.

Date preparation do:

  • Cleanse thyself.
  • Trim your fucking nails. (Sorry, that’s a pinch point … in fact, “pinch point” is a pinch point.)
  • Mute your phone.
  • Iron that top–sleeves too.
  • Whiten dem teefs.

Date preparation do NOT:

  • Eat garlic within 24 hours.
  • Pre-Stalk the attendees.
  • Ride a bike to the date, unless the date involves a bike ride, in which case, why are you going on that date?
  • Be the first to arrive.
  • Wear all white or all black.

During the group date, do:

  • Smile.
  • Ask others about their interests.
  • Laugh at jokes, even when not funny.
  • Pull chairs out for ladies.
  • Be subtle when checking out boobs, butts, hand sizes, etc.

During the group date, do NOT:

  • Avoid alcohol, but don’t get shickered (yes, that’s a word) either.
  • Begin every sentence with “I …”.
  • Attempt to play footsies.
  • Allow rivals to know your target.
  • Talk about Jesus, Romney, your roommates, prison, or that “thing” you had removed.

After the date, do:

  • Tell people it was nice meeting them, without asking if you can mate soon.
  • Keep a positive attitude. Consider it a success, even when no condoms are involved.
  • A little research by Googling those who grabbed your interest. If you find a lovely picture and have an irresistible urge to release yourself, please close the blinds and never confess it.
  • Tip generously.
  • Hold the door for ladies.

After the date, do NOT:

  • Suggest a nightcap in a hot tub.
  • Let anyone see you get on the bus or in your car if it is a beater.
  • Spoil the fact that you were fortunate to receive a phone number by texting something corny on the way home. 
  • Expect a marriage proposal.
  • Give up. Keep hitting that buffet, Babycakes.

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About the author

Author of humorous essays about relationships and lifestyles.