Like me, many men were stuck watching the women’s NCAA basketball championship last night as it hovered over the bar. Men don’t watch women playing sports the same way men watch men. To us, it’s more of a twisted beauty pageant. I appreciate a woman’s athletic ability, but she’s still a woman.
Now, don’t be alarmed. When you present this hypothesis to your man, he’ll deny it, as he was taught. Still, as I watched all six-foot-eight, size-seventeen-shoe-wearing Brittney Griner make her opponents look like pests, my internal conversation was predictable.
“Would you do it? Would you have sex with her?”
“Sure, why not?”
“She’s so tall.”
“I can find something sexy about every woman I see.”
“She’s not very feminine, you know.”
“I disagree. I see high cheekbones, a lovely smile, and her skin tone is deliciously light chocolate.”
“It just seems like it would be awkward.”
“All the more reason to try. Sixty-Nine would probably be out, though.”
“Have you heard her deep voice?”
“Yes, so what? She can’t control that. Again, it’s unique and could be fun. I’m usually the cuddler; it might be fun to be cuddled.”
Wipe that look of disgust from your face, woman! It’s completely natural for a man to consider every woman he meets as a potential mating partner. There’s no harm if the thought never manifests as the deed. It’s not like I’m going to tweet her.
“Dear @BrittneyGriner, congrats on whipping the skirts off those Notre dames. How would you like to meet me in the desert for some celebratory margarita disposal? #whynot”
Anyway, you women do the same dang thing. I present Exhibit A from the movie Animal House where the coeds are discussing Frank, who posed as Fawn Liebowitz’s boyfriend to get Shelly to hook up with him.
“I think Frank was kind of cute.”
“I really felt sorry for him.”
See? Shelly would (and did) hook up with Frank, even though he was engaged to her friend who was killed in a kiln explosion. Shelly’s friends considered him gross. So be it.
“That’s freaking fiction, you dolt.”
“Oh, and me hooking up with Griner isn’t?”
“Men are so disgusting.”
“Wait a minute there, Missy. Are you trying to tell me you never considered, even for a fraction of a second, whether you would have sex with me?”
“Um, not really.”
“Liar! The only difference is women typically add something to the proposal to make it more interesting.”
“Circumstances, location, alcohol, and whether any of your friends will find out.”
“You’re saying you never thought, Would I have sex with Phil if I were in a serious sexual slump, we had a chance meeting at a writers’ conference in Vegas, and we polished off a pint of Patron?“
“Can’t say that I have.”
“Until now. Tee, hee.”
“Make that a fifth.”
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