Words with Freaks

A trend started that I totally missed: hooking up by playing Words with Friends (WWF). Here I thought Scrabble was a fine way to build one’s vocabulary. Turns out, a few well-placed letter squares can get you mating.

Just like a group of ladies at a wine bar will eventually be playing “Show and Cell Tell” with pics of high fashion, a group of men at a dive bar will play “Pass the Phone Porn.” My opinion is valued, so I don’t shy away. My usual response is, “Nice. Where did you meet her?” Yep, WWF is where these animals are found.

It started back in the day when one of my first observation was on a flip phone passed from a coworker. It was an intimate scene featuring a nude woman and variety of raw vegetables. Little Miss Salad Bar, as I henceforth affectionately referred to her, tossed him the picture while chatting during WWF. How generous of him to share. I immediately went in search of the next Vagina Soup Queen, to no avail.

Tiny, grainy images have evolved into 1080p pics and video. Oh, boy! Many of these include the face of the feature star. That fascinates me. Is it apathy or unawareness of how eager we swine are to share our spoils? Rest assured that if you send a sexy selfie including the back-end of an Oral-B, that shit will be seen by a dozen piglets.

I refuse to examine the photos sent in response by my brothers. One penis in my life is plenty. Wouldn’t know what women would find sexy in response, anyway. Certainly, no positive Yelp reviews would come from Joe’s Market pictures of the proprietor fucking the cabbage.

So, how does finding a word with an S in the middle devolve into unabashed kinkery? Would a simple choice of “ASS” over “ASH” start the cascade? That’s a horrible choice. I’m no expert, but an H must be worth more than a fucking S. Heck, there’s probably a Scrabble cheater site out there with naughty word suggestions. (If not, I’m registering that domain now.) Still, how does one tiny word send things tumbling toward Tina texting me titillating twat shots? Here’s how I’d envision it.

“Ooh, you’re feisty, young man. OK. Here’s my word. L-I-C-K.”

“Dayum, girlie. That’s a good one. Got a double letter on that K. Fuckin’ A. All right. C-O-C-K.”

“Oh em gee, you’re too funny. I’m love that word so much that I’m going to attach to it. P-E-A.”

“Peacock? Nice! Well, then I can play dirty too. I’m adding my F to your LICK. And, by the way, I hope you’re flicking your bean as you type.”

“Ha ha ha. Well, I miss that P, and I just can’t leave it alone. I’ll add my U-S-S-Y. BTW, wanna see my tits?”

“Y-E-S. Yes, I do. Yes, please.”

“T-I-T-S. Four points.”

“Fuck.”

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About the author

Author of humorous essays about relationships and lifestyles.