Why do men cheat?

In the wake of another sex scandal are the typical groups of people. I can predict their reactions so accurately, you might assume I have ESP (Extra-Slutty Perception).

  • Republican, religious, unattractive female: “What a typical fucking pig he is! Oh my god. How could he do this to his wife, family, and country? Damn liberals are such savages. No morals.”
  • Republican, religious, unattractive male: “Who? Never heard of him. Hey, have you heard about the new Cadillac?”
  • Democrat, agnostic, attractive female: “He’s awful. Wait. How rich is he? Hmm. Maybe with a new wardrobe. Does he carry a big gun?”
  • Democrat, agnostic, attractive male: “Jesus, it’s no wonder. Really? He has a shot at a fucking eight when he’s tied to a four? No shit, he cheated. Please don’t quote me.”

Everyone calm the fuck down and consider the possibility that we (men, especially) may have evolved mentally only slightly further than physiologically. We’re not quite the beats we were millennia ago when we gathered mates by clubbing rivals or, sometimes, potential mates. Still, we’re driven at our core by one core desire: to spread our genes.

Sounds too simple? Think about it.

Why are men attracted to large, shapely, natural boobs and firm, curvy hips? (Evidence of a superior host for our offspring.) Why are men attracted to shiny, plump, red lips? (They resemble a vagina in heat. I shit you not.) How does an old codger like Hugh Hefner manage to land, not one, but three gorgeous, young blondes simultaneously, who would not even look twice at a Bradley Cooper-looking man who worked at a Starbucks counter? (Hugh is rich and is a superior provider for potential mother and offspring.) Why are women attracted to men with full heads of hair, muscles/abs, and clear skin? (Healthy traits for ensuring the survival of potential offspring.) Why are many women attracted to dominant men? (A sign of strength and superior protection.)

It goes on and on. (Read The Selfish Gene by Richard Dawkins for more insight.)

This is why men are constantly fucking up, by religious moral standards. The best way for a man to ensure the survival and spread of his genes is to inseminate as many partners as possible. We’ve evolved to the point where this is somewhat impractical (Antonio Cromartie excluded) because it’s expensive. It’s also why women are fucking up (by the same standards) because they are becoming more likely to walk away from inadequate providers (whether financially, emotionally, or sexually).

So, ladies, if you’re unattractive, you don’t want to hear this. In fact, you’ll hate me for saying it, but I dare you to disprove me. The man in your life is and always will be attracted to other women. Whether he acts on this attraction by allowing his un-evolved instincts to overcome him, depends on your looks and his opportunities. The General cheated on his wife because he encountered an irresistible option, considering the circumstances. Don’t agree? Consider if the two women (wife and mistress) switched roles. Would he have cheated on Broadwell with his future ex? Nope.

So, how do we resolve this? We don’t. The best thing to do is not waste time worrying about what other people do, and do what you need to do to secure the mate you want in your life at the moment. Then, when the relationship fades, move on. Don’t struggle with your instincts to the point where it makes you crazy. Don’t force yourself to stay where you’re no longer appreciated or you no longer enjoy the scenery. Move on. (Best to say goodbye, first.)

When you’re on the receiving end of such, the healthiest thing to do is shrug and use the experience as motivation to improve and attract a better Mister or Miss Next.

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About the author

Author of humorous essays about relationships and lifestyles.
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