Why do drunk women make out?

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You’re having a family gathering and the kids are playing in the family room while the parents chat. One of the mothers realizes the kids are being remarkably quiet, for being kids. Upon investigation, Mommy notices the reason: They’re playing house with dog kibble and decorative coasters. Before Mommy does something rash, Daddy asks her to weigh the silence against the possibility of bodily harm or damage. They concur; the children carry on.

This is similar to how I feel when I’m at a nightclub around inebriated women left unattended by their husbands. I’m the daddy who doesn’t want to spoil the fun.

After a few triangular glasses are emptied, the carnage ensues. Daddy likey. Wife #1 says to Wife #2, “I bet you’re a great kisser. Men don’t know how to kiss. I love the soft lips on a woman. Guys have itchy fur around their mouths.”

I took no offense.

Naturally, it was time to lip-seal the deal and the two women went at it like teenagers under football stands. I sat next to the show, giddy like a kid with his first scooter. As they got busy, Wife #2 grabbed my thigh and squeezed. I felt like the branch held between a soldier’s teeth while he’s having a limb amputated.

“How’d that work out for you? Is she a good kisser?”
“Oh, yes.”
“All right.”
“You’re going to write about this, aren’t you?”
“Only if you two involve some breast fondling in round two.”

I was only kidding but I turned out to be kindling, as they went at it again. I looked around the club, wide-eyed, hoping my fellow swine weren’t missing the show. A few men noticed and smiled like they found a beer geyser. Many women noticed and wrinkled their noses like they found a skid mark in the guest bathroom toilet.

This playful fun went on for hours. The group planned to taxi back to birthday girl’s house later that night. I was invited, yet I passed. I deserve a gold star for having such restraint, but I fear I’ll receive a rainbow-colored one instead. I’ve learned to leave, create my own reality, and avoid regret and armed spouses.

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About the author

Author of humorous essays about relationships and lifestyles.