What’s Cheating?

“What a kid I got. I told him about the birds and the bees and he told me about the butcher and my wife.” – Rodney Dangerfield

With technology so advanced, we need a new set of standards around what is considered cheating. It used to be pretty basic: penetrate (male) or be penetrated (female), and you’re cheating. Now we have gray areas–or perhaps light pink–because we have goodies like cell phones and Facebook. Well, don’t stress, my sweet. You and your better or worse half will never agree on this, so allow me to be the judge.


  1. Woman catches man masturbating. My ruling here depends on what he is masturbating to. If it’s porn, it’s not cheating. If it’s gay male porn, it’s still not cheating, but you might want to invest in a strap on to liven up your bedroom. If it’s any show on the Cartoon Channel, run. If it’s to porn on the computer, it’s not cheating, unless the porn features him and one of your bridesmaids. If he is having Skype sex with someone else, that’s a misdemeanor. If he’s spanking away while watching the neighbor through binoculars, it’s not technically cheating, but where there’s smoke, there’s your neighbor getting skewered by your husband.
  2. Man catches woman with vibrator. Not cheating … period. I don’t care what color, size, or shape the vibrator is; all is well. I don’t even care in which orifice it resides. In fact, even if another woman is holding the vibrator, it’s not cheating. However…
  3. Man catches woman with remote controlled vibrator, some other man is holding the remote. Unless he’s a physician, it’s cheating. I’ll consider it a minor offense if he’s a DJ or in a different room, with the door shut.
  4. Woman catches man pounding away at a love doll. My, my, my. Well, who is the doll? If it’s modeled after wifey, no harm, no foul. If it’s a porn star, he gets a pass as well because face it, he ain’t getting any porn star quality fuckin’ anytime soon. If the love doll is actually a cabbage patch kid or a bear, make an appointment with your therapist.
  5. Man catches woman with nude photo of ex-boyfriend’s immense meat missile. Depends on what she’s doing with said photo. If she’s paddling the pink canoe to it, that’s a flagrant foul. If she’s showing her friends, it’s a minor infraction, unless she laments about parts of her love cave currently being left unexplored due to your inadequate equipment.
  6. Woman catches man getting a happy ending from his masseuse/masseur. That’s cheating unless the woman gives him an advance pass because she’s tired of his nagging. Still, if the professional is using anything except latex gloves and lube (such as mouth, feet, or anus), it is cheating.
  7. Man catches woman with vegetables. No, I am not referring to a side plate of broccoli. You know what I mean, you naughty little farmer girl. If the woman is caught green-handed with any of the following being inserted into her most delicious of areas, it is not cheating, unless during Lent: Italian squash, zucchini, cucumber, yam, ginger root, or (heavens) eggplant.
  8. Woman catches man poking another woman with something inanimate. If he’s poking her in the vag or hiney, it could be cheating. This, again, depends on what he’s poking her with. If it’s a dildo, it’s cheating. If it’s a stick, more than three feet in length, he gets a pass. If it’s a licorice rope, all is well unless he eats the rope. In related cases, some more liberal judges have permitted toe fucking. I say that’s gross, and will deem it cheating if for no other reason than to avoid getting toe fungus on my tongue. How would one explain that? My point exactly.

Please feel free to relay your scenarios, as my mind, while well-twisted, isn’t capable of dreaming up every possible scenario. Court adjourned!

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Author of humorous essays about relationships and lifestyles.
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