What Men Want – 2015 Edition


We’ve come so far, haven’t we? Not the savage, sex-hungry beasts we used to be. Our lives do not solely consist of sex, food, and football. Nope. We live in search of meaningful relationships—romance, tender kisses, long walks, and snuggling … oh, and bacon. We’re not moving past bacon.

You sense some sarcasm, no doubt. Clever you.

It’s sad, but sex is still atop the mountain of man-likes. The only thing I’ve found that has evolved is the types of sex now available. Men now have new masturbatory options: artificial vaginas. That’s it. Nothing else changed. Sex is sex, but now a man can fuck a fleshlight as often as his woman rides a rabbit.

The next logical step in man’s sexual evolution is mechanical vaginas. I’m sure the throbbing, pulsating, and temperature changing types are already on the market. What about a robot vag? It has to be in the works. You can set it on the bed next to you with a 7 am alarm. At seven, it kicks on (along with the coffee machine), crawls over, and gives Mr. Aintsobadbeingalone a wakey-wakey robo hummer. It does this without reminding him about putting out the trash or paying the cell bill. When it’s done, it rolls into the bathroom and cleans itself. Then, it hides so his friends don’t find it.

It’s not so far-fetched. I realize most women find this creepy. If you walked in on your man fucking a synthetic love pocket, you’d freak. Funny how vice-versa doesn’t apply, as finding the woman masturbating with anything but John, the neighbor, makes it a really, really good day. Heck, we realize we can’t compete with those undulating clit-slappers. Go for it, and leave my robotic Joan alone.

All right, there are other things men want. We always want gadgets. I saw a gadget at a recent convention that gave me an electro-boner: an IO HAWK. It’s an intelligent personal mobility device. It’s a battery-powered bar with two wheels that you stand on, and steer by leaning. Damn! I’m not about to fork over $1999 to accelerate my laziness. Maybe, when it drops under $1000 I’ll indulge just so I can tool around the outlet mall knocking flat-billed caps off little gangstas.

Men also want food. Nothing really new in the food area that I’m aware of. I guess the fried egg on a burger thing is recent. Still, nothing is challenging bacon and buffalo wings for the top of our pyramid.

Beer is still king. Lately, there have been craft breweries sprouting up everywhere around me in SoCal. I’m so glad these have progressed past that annoying friend who has been brewing Ass Hiner Bush in his basement. Men love the concept of these craft brews because we get to see big, burly vats of steel cranking out the fizzy yellow goodness.

Yes, we still love cars and trucks. We’re a bit sad about losing the Hummer. As long as there are Ram trucks, Escalades, and Harleys, we’ll survive. Sure, there are some men who prefer $100,000 toasters (Tesla) and others who save the environment (my ass) by biking everywhere. I don’t consider those men. They’re sissy la las. Don’t have sex with them until stop hugging trees. Instead, find a manly man, and give him a silicon replica of your princess.

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About the author

Author of humorous essays about relationships and lifestyles.