Welcome Back, Beaver


I feared she was gone forever. Hairless cats are not cute. Neither are hairless beavers. For whatever reason(s) in recent years, ladies have insisted upon shaving or lasering off all of their curlies. Well, if some man was behind this travesty, he needs a good beating.

The reasons for intentionally balding the beavski might include:

  • Concern over scent retention. News flash: Men love that scent, whether they admit it or not.
  • Concern over puffiness in bikini. Duly noted, but wouldn’t a camel toe be worse (or better, IMHO)?
  • The impression that this would increase the rate of oral favors.
  • The horrific discovery of gray pubes.
  • The hopes that it would simplify locating the clit without Google Maps.

These are poor reasons. I’m not saying you need a pussy-fro, but some hair down there is fine and natural. Invest in a clipper, or use your pet’s (I won’t tell), and take a few swipes to trim it back. Leave enough so there’s a curl—perhaps half-an-inch to an inch. If you trim too close, you’re going to leave a five o’clock shadow.

No bueno.

I can understand ladies and men shaving down for Olympic swimming and porn. It might trim a few seconds off laps and masturbation sessions. For some, close-ups of private parts need to be as unobscured as possible in order to climax. Also, for some (men only), all hair and darkness must also be removed from the lady anus, or the up-close viewing of such is cringe-worthy and boner-worthless.

I don’t know. Hair belongs there. There’s some biological reason, I’m sure. Perhaps, that hair traps the scent and attracts us whether we admit it or not. While I certainly take mental notes, the presence or absence of hair will not hasten or prevent my appreciation.

Do ladies have the same opinions of male parts? When discussing “Dick Deets” with the girlies, is ball hair covered as a main topic? I would expect more discussion around length, girth, and stamina. Naturally, if there’s a bout of fur-ball hacking after delivery of his first BJ, that’s a topic worth discussing. (When one of my cats is heaving one of those, he sounds like he’s giving oral birth to a panda so, no, I don’t want to ever hear that noise down between my thighs. That would be a bad night, no matter how many orgasms were to follow. I’d expect to find it on her blog. I’d expect her friends to point at me and scream, a la Body Snatchers. Hence, my balls are lightly blanketed in a cashmere-smooth layer of fine Italian fuzz.)

So, if you were planning on finishing your bath by putting down your Kindle, standing, soaping the muffin, placing one leg up on the ledge, and taking the cute pink razor to your princess, please reconsider. Allow her to keep her sheer fur scarf. It will save you money (disposable razors are way expensive) and that love lawn should keep her warm and happy … like me.

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About the author

Author of humorous essays about relationships and lifestyles.