Weedies

“As part of a balanced breakfast on 4/20, don’t forget to eat your Weedies!” – (quote by … fuck … oh, shit … did you hear that?)

I’m not stoned. Nope. Never touch the stuff. All right, I might have packed a pipe. I’m doing my biological deed by burning leaves. Yes, I am a responsible citizen. Ashes are good; leaves are bad. I deserve a tax break. Well, this certainly is a lot easier on my liver than those shots of Bushmills. (Ouch.)

After watching a week’s worth of mind-numbing coverage of the Boston bombings, I’ve come to some conclusions, and I’m just high enough share them without giving a significant fuck about negative comments:

  1. This is the first tragedy where it has been proven that traditional media is becoming obsolete. Twitter, Facebook, and Reddit had more relevant, accurate updates long before CNN. This makes me smile.
  2. People need to be more aware of what odd things are going on around them, and not be afraid to speak up about them, regardless of the size, shape, or color of the people involved.
  3. Caroline, while sweet, was probably a cum guzzling nympho.

Allow me to continue, in the format that the media used to cover this week’s events. It’s similar to a crazy person who has nobody to talk to. I’ll ask myself questions and then answer them.

What is more dangerous: drinking alcohol or smoking weed?

Smoking alcohol.

Should marijuana be legalized?

Dude.

Has anyone ever committed a violent crime after smoking a hugely domed bowl of chronic?

I want to eat cherry Jell-o from my girlfriend’s love tunnel.

Does smoking week make it dangerous to drive?

Only if one is also eating delicate chips and guacamole while singing along to Journey.

Won’t the Mexican drug cartels become increasingly violent if marijuana is legalized?

They can take my Honda, but they can’t take my purple pipe.

On a warm day, is anything better than a frosty Coors Light?

Yes, a frosty Coors Light and a cake walk featuring Aunt Sally’s shoofly pie.

Should women have the right to vote, be paid the same as men, and be permitted to walk around topless?

No. They should have the only vote, paid more than men, and begged to walk around topless.

Should we all be Boston sports fans now?

Nah. Fahk them. Go wahsh ya duhtee cahs, fuckahs. Ya wahn enough damn titles. Go back to makin’ chowdah.

Is there any way to smoke a lot of weed and lose weight while doing so?

Yes. You can burn a bowl while wearing a fur coat and eating raw broccoli on a StairMaster. Best clear a five-foot radius.

Now that the NBA playoffs have started, is there any better way to spend a weekend day than watching the games?

Yes, I’d rather watch a Soap Box Derby, or Uncle Skeeter toss horseshoes while smoking a Camel.

With Cinco de Mayo right around the corner, what’s the best late night food to have after a long day of punishing your lungs and liver?

Bacon.

But, bacon isn’t Mexican.

Bacon burrito … with bacon sauce.

Do you like the Jonas Brothers?

Fuck them; each one of them, their high hair, and pussy rings. Pink Floyd rules.

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About the author

Author of humorous essays about relationships and lifestyles.
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