Unskilled Labor

Based on how often I see and hear comments regarding a mate’s sexual abilities, I fear we have a serious problem. Most women keep it to themselves. I’ve even heard, “He’s not great, but that’s OK–I can take care of myself.” Sad. Sex is a critical part of most relationships, so we’d better figure this shit out. No more faking it, ladies. Check your ego. I don’t care what your ex-lover did or liked. If this is going to work, we need full disclosure. Oh, and four to six ounces of tequila may help.

Here are the typical shortcomings (nyuk, nyuk) in men:

  • Low attraction level.
  • Not using romance to set the proper mood.
  • Not enough foreplay.
  • Anatomy familiarity issues (AKA, “love-button lost.”)
  • Boredom with typical sexual positions, methods, and locations along with insufficient use of props including clothes, lotions, toys, and visual aids.
  • Quick trigger.
  • Unreciprocated efforts, especially oral.

If you’re not physically attracted to your man, whether it’s due to his age, height, clothing, shape, or scent, you probably shouldn’t be having sex with him. You can make some subtle adjustments to bring him more in line, but that’s quite an undertaking. I suggest you keep this fellow as a platonic friend and move on.

Men are typically in the mood. Given the proper stimulus, I could have sex at a funeral. The disconnect comes when women claim to be frequently in the mood and men take that to mean women are as easily stimulated as men are. Most men can’t push a button to convert the kitchen into a lush garden scene, no matter what E.D. commercials portray. Men must stimulate the cerebral clitoris before going any further. If you don’t know what starts a woman’s engine, ask her.

Unless we’re under the influence, most men deliver foreplay of insufficient duration. Men misread dampness as a ready-for-entry signal. Many men are unaware that kissing is an important part of foreplay–kissing ALL over. This problem is easy to overcome. Just like in MMA, women should provide a signal (tapping, perhaps?) when ready.

I don’t know how the love-button got lost. They’re all in the exact same place. I can understand the elusiveness of the G-spot, but the clit is always right there. (How does that feel?) Here’s what typically happens: Men mistake the urethra for the clitoris. There’s a really simple solution, ladies: “A little higher, darling.” While you’re at it, why not place your hand on top of his and work his finger as you would your silver bullet? Then he’ll learn exactly what is required to get you to the doorstep.

Since keeping a variety of lovers to get variety in our sex lives is rarely a viable option, we need variety from our mates. This is where lovemaking becomes fun. Add a little mystery. Pick a new location. Model something sheer and sexy. Bring home some oils and lotions. Light candles. Turn on some Nina Simone background music. Assume a new position. Why not porn? Hey, here’s a great idea: Read a sexy story aloud. (I am available for private readings. *wink, wink*)

Hair-triggers abound. Then again, I’ve also heard the opposite complaint: “He just keeps going and going, not realizing that I’m getting sore.” The best solution to the hair-trigger has to do with pacing and practice. Get close to the edge, stop, stay still a few seconds, and restart. To do this, the woman needs to cooperate (without sighing, please). The ideal pacing method for me is a condom. Ugh–like banging a warm bucket of water. Perhaps you should ask for more foreplay to get you closer to the same edge for the time being.

Yes, some people really get off on giving oral pleasure. The keyword there is “pleasure.” If I’m below the border and my ship’s captain is vocalizing her approval, steering my noggin by the ears, and squeezing my head in her thigh-vice, I can spend an eternity there. If she’s texting, not so much. I suggest the use of a chess timer during oral favors, where each mate can accumulate fair durations. I’m sure you can find one at Amazon, right next to your favorite author’s books. (The combination may also get you free shipping. You’re welcome.)

I don’t know what else to suggest, other than total disclosure and honesty. If your mate has no potential to become an excellent lover (for you) then cut him loose. Don’t waste his time or yours. Most men can be molded into fabulous lovers when you provide gentle feedback. You do this all day at work: Providing constructive criticism in the form of rewarding good behavior. Please don’t post a Facebook status update to the tune of, “Another orgasmless night with my incompetent lover.” Simply call the klutz into your office (the master suite) and let the lessons begin.

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About the author

Author of humorous essays about relationships and lifestyles.
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