Turn Off Your Woman

The best way to turn off your woman is by being …

Clingy … Survey says: DING! Needy … Survey says: DING! Overly Dependent … Survey says: DING! Numb-dicked … Survey says: BUZZ!

Two randomites at my office (the one having a fine selection of Scotch within reach) asked what my biggest turn-off was in women. I said, “bad breath.” Sure, I could think of others, but this was the first one to enter my mind and, no, not because the person asking me stank. When I politely volleyed the question back to her and her teammate, their answer was “clinginess.” Seems they must attract barnacle boys.

“Clingy how?”

“You know. Always wants to know where I am, texts too often, jealous, etc.”

“Ah. You prefer an independent lad.”

“Within reason.”

“There’s the rub, my Sugarbub–within your reason, which hasn’t been sufficiently communicated to him, so he’s going by his reason, which is probably based on his last woman.”

“Wait. I’m confused.”

“Then, welcome to my world. Have you any baggage?”

“Huh?”

“You both obviously attract clingy men into your lives. Maybe it’s time to consider that the problem may not be the men, but your selection and expectations thereof.”

“True, I do attract needy men.”

“You’re probably a provider and caretaker who grew up with a male figure who was distant and forced you to become independent. This created you, with somewhat male traits. The fact that you are successful and independent will attract men who are dependent, because you won’t let a man take care of you, thus scaring away the men you say you want. Make sense?”

“Umm …”

“If you date an independent man, you’re going to frustrate each other with your posturing, flexing, and maintaining a distance. You’ll each think the other isn’t sufficiently involved because you’re used to needy people latching on.”

“You’re scaring me a little.”

“I’m no Freud, my dear. Just a bar-front who enjoys people-watching and occasional people-touching.”

What are the lessons for women? How does one override Nature and attract what she wants? She needs to pretend. Don’t like that term? Is “role-playing” better? Whatever works. Check your guilt, sister. It’s mating season. Do what it takes. Act a bit needy, let the independent man think he’s providing, and you’ll have what you want. Suck it up, play the role, and you won’t be stuck answering silly text-messages while you’re doing your pre-slumber flossing.

What are the lessons for men? Even though it goes against Nature, independent women rock. Set limits to length and frequency of contacts. Find things to do on nights she’s gone, which doesn’t include sitting home playing Call of Duty while weeping into your beer. Avoid thinking about what she’s doing. Try not to care too much, because you can’t control this type of woman. Take what she puts out. It doesn’t hurt to have a female friend you’d never sleep with (we both know that’s untrue … she probably does too). When Miss Independent has her girls’ night, that’s the perfect night to be with Miss Friend-Only. Make sure there are pictures tagged and posted to Facebook.

Yes, it’s a game! You’re either on the field or you’re on the bench.

About the author

Author of humorous essays about relationships and lifestyles.

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