Training for Lots of Sex

A recent date of mine confessed that her exes could not keep up with her sex drive. “Challenge ax-fucking-septed,” I bellowed mightily. Then Ole Willy (my wonder worm) piped in.

“You must be kidding.”


“You think you can keep up with her?”

“Come on, little fella. We can do it.”


“We can add a little help from our friends. I have ten little penium on my hands and a love-bean-tickling tongue of glory.”

“I appreciate your confidence, boss. You do realize I get exhausted a wee more quickly than I used to in our teens.”

“No problem, Willy. Like I said, as a team we can do it. We can elevate our game, throw in a few time-proven moves, and bring her to so many O’s that she’ll beg us to stop.”

“You’re speaking like the tough-guy about to get his ass kicked.”

“All right. We need to prepare. I’m about to head to the gym. Maybe toss a batch before the gym, another afterward, then a few more before dinner …”

“Easy there, cowboy. I’m going to need some salve and bologna sandwiches in between to keep my stamina.”

“Who eats bologna?”

“We do, fuck-nuts, if you want to have any shot at keeping up with Miss Thang.”

Jesus. How does one even prepare for an onslaught of sex drainery? I’m already force-feeding myself many pints of water. Ah, perhaps I could add a new toy to my arsenal of mechanical fuckbots. The love glove may not be sufficient. Over to Amazon I go.

What in the actual fuck …? There’s this thing that looks like a pink pick ax. Where the … how does … Christ. Oh, I see now. This tab goes in the usual slot, this flap goes over the bean, and the extension goes in the hiner. Ooh, look–it comes with a remote. Yay! I need this. Added to cart. Hmm, now what else?

Wow, it the “Toys Men Women Alternative Toy Foreplay Tease Fingers Sleeve Chastity Stimulator Finger Vibrator.” This could totally complement my Fukuoku love glove. What’s better than one vibrating glove? Two … nay, four. I can modify a few to become vibrating socks. She may be into a little toe-fuckery. Why not? Added.

Beware, Missy. Here I … I mean YOU come!

About the author

Author of humorous essays about relationships and lifestyles.

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