To be or not to be … single.


Since my divorce in 2003, I’ve run the serpentine of relationships lasting anywhere from an hour to six months. After ten years, some (the married ones) would see that as a failure, and recommend I seek therapy. To those friends, I offer a bit of advice as well: “Go screw your bored partner.”

Hey, single peeps, aren’t you tired of being seen as unwell–a misfit of sorts? I sure am. The most annoying, passive-aggressive thing people say is, “Why are you single?” This implies you’re a wonderful person with some undisclosed flaw, which acts as mate repellent. The dolt who utters this fails to consider that you may choose to be single. You may not be looking for the ideal mate. In fact, you might believe there is no such thing. You might be so self-satisfied that a full-time mate would deplete you, not complete you.

No married person would admit to believing this. The married person needs that mate because he loves her, and can’t imagine life without her. Well, he can imagine it; he just won’t for very long, because there will be repercussions. He loves his wife, forgoes all other mating options (not because they’re inferior; because he promised to), and flashes his shiny band to the world as a sign of strength. He bathes in praises from his relatives, society, the government, and imaginary beings for doing the right thing.

When confronted by this holier-than-moi beast, I defend my position.

“Convince me. Please list the benefits of being in a committed relationship.”

“Fine. For one, sex.”

“While I admit that sex with a committed partner is usually more fun than masturbation, it rarely is more fun than sex with a new partner for the very first time. Now, there’s a feeling you will never have again.”

“So, sleep around, and get diseases.”

“I can get a disease from someone sneezing next to me. Am I supposed to stop breathing too?”

“OK, what about children?”

“No, thank you.”

“We have strength in numbers. My wife and I work together, pool our resources, and solve our problems as a team.”

“You never disagree on how to solve those problems?”

“Of course we do, but, we’re committed, so we work it out.”

“I compromise with no one.”

“That’s selfish.”

“That’s reality. I solve my problems without needing a scapegoat to blame and resent.”

“Hey, I don’t blame or resent my wife.”

“Well, you don’t, but I’ve heard some others do.”

“You’re going to wind up an angry old man, all by yourself, rotting away in a nursing home.”

“Perhaps. And, I might wind up a content old man, rotting away on a yacht in the Caribbean, drinking spiced rum, and admiring bikini-clad tourists, all while having nobody to disappoint.”



“We’re not done with this discussion. I need to check in with the wife. Be right back.”

“Point made.”

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About the author

Author of humorous essays about relationships and lifestyles.