Think Before You Cheat

I’ve been on both ends of this, and cheatee is the shittier and of that stick. Finding the one you love in the arms of another will cause you irreparable damage. No amount of therapy or prescription drugs will cure it. It’s a thunderous kick to the balls of the ego. So, I beg you, if there’s any emotional connection left with your lover, don’t do it.

Yes, I know it’s exciting to have that fling. I realize years of the same makes one yearn for the strange. But, you yearn for other things, and you manage to resist them, don’t you? Is there alcohol involved? Well, that could complicate things. You’re away on a business trip? Yikes. Be strong!

Here are things you need to realize about the sex you’re about to have:

  • No matter how enjoyable, it absolutely, positively will not live up to the mental hype you’ve built up.
  • Five seconds after orgasm, you’re going to get slammed in the temple with the ball peen regret hammer.
  • The person you’re about to cheat on (aka, the victim or your greed) may have committed misdeeds, but this punishment does not fit the crime.
  • Even if you think the victim doesn’t love you as much, the victim will be hurt and love you much less after this is done.
  • Your accomplice in the mental crime doesn’t have the same feelings and post-coital intentions as you. All sorts of promises were made leading up to insertion. Those will be rescinded once the goal is achieved, quite possibly leaving you without your beloved and without your new lover.

I’ve had girlfriends give me the warning: “Just break up with me before you do anything stupid like having an affair.” Well, that’s probably not going to happen. The reason has nothing to do with my feelings about her. It’s a bet-hedging strategy. If I cheat, and it sucks, I can resume my relationship as long as it is kept secret. Yes, that’s horribly selfish. I’m simply explaining why people rarely break it off before cheating.

Fortunately, I’ve never walked in on my lover being pounded by the other guy. Boy, that would suck. Then again, it would bring a sense of closure, I guess. Part of the torture is imagining what’s going on between the cheating peeps. If I see it, maybe it’s a quick pull of the bandage, instead of the slow tear. If you’ve witnessed fucked-upery of the such, I offer my condolences. I’m willing to lend open ears and support as you trash the criminal.

If you’re still unable to fight the urge, just step away for a few minutes. Think about what is missing in your current relationship that is causing this temptation. If it’s nothing, you’re being a greedy fuck, so go ahead and learn the hard way. Karma is a bitch, my friend. If you can pinpoint the problem, then you owe it to your loved one to try to fix it before inflicting permanent damage.

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About the author

Author of humorous essays about relationships and lifestyles.
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