Think about what you’re occupying.


When you want to be heard, you speak in a place where the ears you’re trying to reach can hear you. You should also have a point, not just a gripe without a proposed solution. Nobody wants to hear whining. This is what annoys me about all of the “occupy” protests going on. People are gathering in places where the intended audience spends little time. The protesters are carrying signs and chanting aimlessly. You wouldn’t pray this way.

“Dear God, I’m pissed.”

“What about?”


“Well, you know where the exit is.”

“Seriously, Dude, this sucks.”

“What does?”

“For one thing, I don’t have as much money as I used to.”

“So, you think you should be paid for sitting in a tent in a park playing Angry Birds on your iPhone.”

I’ve had little luck in the romance department; that’s no secret. Would it make sense for me to plop a beach towel down in front of a hair salon? Should I chant to the ladies getting their weekly blowouts, “I lost my wife, now I got no sex life”? Ladies would step over me while delivering condescending glares. Sure, some would show pity. They’d probably toss me a porn magazine or suggest I get a puppy.

I would love to protest about this recent trend: Women give me their phone numbers, don’t answer when I call and don’t return my message. Some take it a step further and complain the next time they see me that I didn’t pursue them sufficiently. What’s that all about? If I chase them, I’m the creepy leech guy; if I lie back, I’m the aloof low-ambition-having goof.

To protest the above mistreatment, what do you suggest?

  • Don’t ask for phone numbers. Ask for Facebook friending.
  • Take my shirt off so they can decide if they really want to waste a number on such a furry beast.
  • Disclose my feline fancy.
  • Import a bride from overseas.
  • Take a yoga class wearing a T-shirt that reads, “I prefer doggie style to downward dog.”
  • Scan the obituaries for emotionally unstable recent widows.
  • Stuff a pool noodle in my pants.
  • Go to a gay club, pose as a gay male, and infiltrate an all-girl table telling them I’m curious.
  • Netflix.
  • Hair coloring, chest shaving, teeth whitening, Spanx for men, elevator shoes, and trade my 401(k) for a Mercedes.
  • Beg an ex to take me back.
  • Aim a lot lower.
  • Become a marriage counselor.
  • Write about it, hoping to find the ticklish spot on a woman in a similar situation.

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About the author

Author of humorous essays about relationships and lifestyles.