Things to Do When Bored


Masturbate. Yep. Survey says, “That’s the number one answer.” It’s indisputable, yet this typically takes only a few minutes, right? That’s not combating boredom much. One could argue that women could drag this out longer and, in fact, enjoy multiple orgasms. For men, it’s cleanup and nap time.

Ah, nap time. Sleeping. That’s a great thing to do when bored unless you’re at work. Daytime napping comes with many disturbances, including phones ringing, doorbells, horns, sirens, children, and pets. Any of these can replace your boredom with frustration, leading you to want to day drink.

Drinking! Of course. Crack a bottle, put on some music, and day drink your way to removing all fucks left to give. Heck, you can combine this boredom buster with other fun activities like visiting a ballpark or people watching. Unlike napping, this can be done incognito. Get yourself a road soda and lighten the mood. Get a pint of cola, dump out one-third (or half, if you’re an advanced drunk ass like me), and dump in Kraken rum. Then, head to the mall and stroll around looking at women’s clothing. You’ll be that creepy guy until you inform the lady attendant you’re shopping for wifey. I’ve taken this creepiness to higher levels by asking a worker to try on an outfit since she was my wife’s size. She modeled. I drank and left.

Shopping, in general, is a great boredom killer. Another thing I love doing (I realize I’m about to be banned from every mall) is going to fragrance counters and sampling, oh, everything. This works in those shops that sell soap and candles, too. After sniffing, have some fun.

  • Start sneezing uncontrollably.
  • Say, “Oh my god, does this have peanuts in it? I’m so allergic to peanuts. Fuck, I’m going to have seizures. Get me your EpiPen. Fuck! Hurry! What? You don’t have one?” Then run away.
  • Start crying. Tell the salesperson that the scent reminds you of your dear mother, who passed away last week. Ask for tissues. Blow your nose loudly. Then, buy some.
  • Insist the salesperson tries it first. Insist she sprays it on her elbow so you can smell what it’s like mixed with proper pheromones. Usually, they call security at this point. If not, keep going. Go in for the smell, whack your nose on her elbow, then fall down and writhe in pain.
  • Smell it, moan a bit, and adjust your crotch. Sniff more. Adjust more. Apologize once you see the look of horror. Move on to the next scent as she moves on to the next customer.

The reactions of the salespeople are priceless.

Well, you could always watch TV. Start a new series, perhaps. I started to binge on VEEP. It’s pretty fucking funny, plus only 28 minutes per episode. JLD is a fucking riot — a sexy, hot mess with a potty mouth. I highly recommend.

How about exercising? You could hit the gym, take a jog, or ride a bike. See that? Turn your boredom into fitness. That will improve your health so you can live longer. You’ll have more time for … um … well, more time to get bored again. Fuck. Like, when you jog on a treadmill. This is the most boring activity there is. I don’t care if you have headphones or TVs. Jogging in place is fucking boring and stupid. Don’t do this. Maybe, have a burger?

There ya go. The best thing to do — slightly below beating your meat or flipping your bippy — is to eat. I’m not talking salad, either. Fuck greens. Lawns are for rabbits. Get something with bacon and/or hot sauce. Heck, you can combine several of these activities. Eat wings, drink beer, watch VEEP, and jog home to beat off (after washing your hands), and then take a nap. Problem solved.

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About the author

Author of humorous essays about relationships and lifestyles.