Television shows have become predictable and boring this winter, so we need to take action. Betting rarely works out because someone will lose, become bitter, and probably pee in the sink. Plus, as far as awards shows go, there’s excessive predictability. Instead of placing bets, I suggest we play drinking games for tonight’s Oscars.
It can start on the red carpet. If a woman strolls down the carpet …
- wearing a hat, it’s worth one gulp.
- with her bellybutton showing, one gulp.
- and she stumbles, two gulps.
- with both knees showing, one gulp.
- with one knee showing, a sip.
- with hair braids, a sip.
- carrying a fan, a sip.
- wearing glasses, a sip.
If a man strolls down the carpet …
- wearing a black shirt under a black jacket, one gulp.
- wearing aviator sunglasses, one gulp.
- in short sleeves, one gulp.
- and gives the finger, two gulps.
- wearing a red or white bow tie, a sip.
- carrying anything, a sip.
- wearing fur, a sip.
- with a non-white handkerchief, a sip.
See? Wasn’t that fun? Now you’re half-cocked and you’ll enjoy the awards. Next, let’s concentrate on Billy Crystal. Every time he uses one of the following words, you drink:
- Jew (or Jewish)
Are you hanging in there or hugging the porcelain? Flush and head back to the sofa. Once the awards start flying, the acceptance speeches are a fine focal point. When you hear the following, you lift, tip, and swallow:
Have your scorecards and bottles ready. If we’re fortunate enough to witness a Nicki Minaj finale, we’ll avoid tomorrow’s hangover as her vomit-inducing antics are sure to help us purge.
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