As springtime rolls around, what better time to get in a generous mood? Look at me: I’m giving away my latest book for five days in March 2012 (Nice Knowing You). You’re welcome and I’m broke, so why would I do such a silly thing? Good question. Maybe I want to see how many people I can offend. Maybe I’m masochistic. Maybe I’m just a super-generous and righteous dude.
Allow Mr. Munificence to inspire you, my sweet.
Even if you’re not an obsessive hoarder, look around and I bet you’ll see numerous things you don’t need. Now, this doesn’t imply that others could use those things, but it’s possible and it’s the thought that counts, right? I’ll bounce around my house and find the top things we should give away.
- First thing I see is my cat, Symon. He has been pissing me off lately by pigging out on Friskies and then depositing lumps of partially-digested goo like landmines around my house. That little fucker is close to being donated to a hungry coyote. Oh, who am I kidding? He stays but I do have a self-cleaning cat litter box I can donate because that box scares the shit out of my cats, and not while they’re in the box.
- To my right, I have three printers. Take a guess how many of them are actually compatible with Windows 7. One, and it uses a Spanish-language driver so, much like my maid, I have no idea what it’s constantly complaining about so I ignore it.
- Last year I cleared out around 100 pounds of clothing–old T-shirts, fancy jeans, and shoes that scream “this man takes it in the hiney.” For my generosity, I got $129 from a secondhand clothing store. I took that $129 and bought a nice bottle of hangover and a steak, while not wearing Tommy Bahama.
- Inside my freezer, I have a cheesecake that is 18 months old and in the fridge, I have three bottles of booze that have been there longer than Bieber has had bangs and a vagina. The booze inside my bottles of Bailey’s and Alize has actually separated into layers. I’m confident there are sea monkeys living in them.
- Now that the price of gas is approaching $5 a gallon, I’m tempted to dump the Jeep and invest in rollerblades and a backpack.
- We all maintain shelves full of books we’ve read (right) in order to impress our guests. I’ve heard the backhanded compliment, “Wow, you’ve read all of these books?” more than once. This is where my sarcasm overrides my niceness and responds, “No, I hide cocaine and dildos inside them.”
- When I venture into rarely used drawers and cabinets I find expired meds, partially melted candles, and dried-out contraband. None are useful but I have sprinkled my leftover stoneregano over frozen pizza and was entertained for hours watching Erin Burnett while pants-free and not hearing a word she said.
- My garage has no fewer than a dozen old paint cans. I have no idea what to do with them. Maybe I could do curls, roll them down a steep hill in front of bikers and skateboarders, or plays drums on them with wooden spoons while Led Zeppelin blares on my useless boombox.
- Old pots and pans fill my drawers under the stove. This is a substantial space where I could store something more useful, like marshmallows and beer. The largest space hog is a pasta pot, but if I part with that my Italian mother will probably part with her foolish son.
- Finally, I own stacks of CDs, laserdiscs, and VHS tapes. I admit many are pornographic. Porn is pretty much one click away in just about any flavor. (Today I’m considering something with naughty college cheerleaders looking to experiment with raspberry jelly and Professor Pervert.) So, there’s no use keeping the old media around. I suggest setting up a card table in front of church with a sign saying “Free to a good home. No contraception required.”