The Seven Deadly Sins – Updated

These little ditties need updating. Oh, who fucking sloths anymore? Sloths, perhaps. How many sloths do you come across? My point exactly. Like everything, sins change over the years. We’ve had a few thousand years to archive the old and come up with the new. We’re not sacrificing animals on altars, and we’re not stoning people. That’s old bad. We need new naughties. I’m no god, but I’m pretty good at being bad, so allow me to step up to the podium, chisel the 2013 version, and cast them out to some online Moses so he can put them on his Facebook page or something.

  1. Lightbeerness – Beer shalt not be lightened. If you want fizzy water, get a fucking club soda with fruit, stop annoying the bartender, and get off of my bar stool.
  2. Decaffeination – Coffee without caffeine is like sunscreen without the screen.
  3. Cunnilicknot – A man who refuses to return the favor of a woman who just gagged herself and took a lump of yucky cock snot to the throat, is an evil man who deserves to go clean out the garage.
  4. Hipstery – Ankles must be allowed to breathe, facial hair must be groomed, and booze doesn’t belong in paper bags.
  5. Extrapointless – Arguably the most boring event in sports, unless you’re Tony Romo.
  6. Selfies – Do not take a picture of yourself … doing anything … ever.
  7. Denial – Stop lying, trying to convince everyone you didn’t do it. You did. You screwed the tranny, farted, stole the lip gloss, were staring at her tits, sent that tweet, left the empty coffee pot, sped, masturbated recently, left a shitty tip, etc. You don’t need to admit it, but stop wasting media attention denying it. Listen to the experts–keep your mouth shut, and never rat on your friends.

Avoid these deadly sins, and you’ll live eternally in paradise. Oh, and make this 7b–Don’t take what you read so seriously.

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About the author

Author of humorous essays about relationships and lifestyles.
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