The Selfie Dick


I glance over to the community table, and, much to my horror, watch some self-absorbed nitwit unfold this odd device, place his phone on the end, and take a team selfie. The stick reminds me of the folding ruler we had in grade school. Much like the Nuns back in the day, I’d also like to smack him across the knuckles with it.

Wouldn’t it be more logical to simply ask the server to take the picture? Yes, I realize she is busy, and not tall enough to get the proper above-shot perspective. Is there a timer on your camera phone? Use that. No? Have you considered that none of your Facebook or Instagram followers give a gnat shit that you’re having dinner? You’re doing something not noteworthy. We all eat. Oh, I see. You want to mark the occasion for your own reference. So, if I want to take a picture of you taking a picture for my own reference, then tag it with #howtobeadickhead. Is that cool?

There is now a selfie shoe. Did you know this? I feel a great big WTF coming on. You put the phone in the tip of your shoe, lift your leg, and click! This is idiotic unless the selfie shoe is taking up-skirt shots of your tightly clipped baby oven beard. Do that. Take those, and post them. Fuck, just email them to me. I’ll give you a free review.

The GoPro device is asinine too. Self-important twats wear those. I watched an NCAA dunk contest, and one of the kangaroos had it strapped to his chest. A dozen high definition cameras in the fucking arena, and yet this butthead thinks a jittery shot from his nipples is superior.

You want narcissism? Fine. Here’s what I’m going to do for my next date: I’m going to use my dick as a selfie stick. I’ll use a Velcro strap I got with my earbuds, and make a pecker harness. To avoid being tossed in the can because there might be children in the area, I’ll wear a black sock over it first. I’ll undo my zipper, dangle my selfie dick, and record the mayhem that ensues.

Think of all the wonderful Kodak moments?

  • My date all wide-eyed, wondering how I became so resourceful.
  • Under-table shots of partially chewed gum, a fork, and knees.
  • Great perspective shots of the post-date tongue-wrestling that might happen in my car if we get sufficiently sloshed.

And, if she’s a real trooper, I’ll take my selfie dick to the bedroom. At some point (let’s hope), I’ll need to unstrap it. Internal shots aren’t likely, as the lighting isn’t adequate. Up to that point, there should be great stuff captured by my fancy device—sounds, too!

“Honey, maybe you can use the flashlight app.”

“Ah, great idea. These shots are coming out too grainy.”

“Um, no. I mean use the flashlight so you can find my nipples. You’ve been licking a mole for the last five minutes.”

Ah, the lighted selfie stick! I’m patenting that fucker.

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About the author

Author of humorous essays about relationships and lifestyles.