The Rougher Sex


Never tried it; don’t have to; won’t like it. I understand that some people enjoy oysters, soccer, and Nancy Grace, but I can’t find anything good about rough sex. Sure, it depends on exactly how rough, but I’m a puppy compared with some of the animals my female friends have dated.

A petite friend was telling me about her latest man who definitely got off on tossing her 5’2″ frame around. She said he left bruises on her numerous times. I was shocked.

“I bruise easily.”

“That’s fucked up. Seriously.”


“A bruise is an injury, you nut. No man is entitled to leave marks except when peeing in the snow.”

“I like it rough. I had to ask him to calm down a bit because the bruises were showing when I wore my summer outfits. They’re difficult to explain.”

“What was this animal doing to you?”

“You know–the average stuff.”

“Nothing is average about leaving a lovemaking session with bruises. Perhaps a little neck rash or toe cramp would be ordinary, but bruises? No way.”

“You’ve never had a woman leave any marks on you?”

“They only hurt on the inside.”

“Stop it. Some lover must have scratched your back at least.”

“Come to think of it, I did have this PYT bite my face once when we were getting into it on my La-Z-Boy.”

“There you go. That’s hot.”

“Is not. I grabbed her by the throat and said, ‘Hey, no biting.'”

“I bet that turned her on further.”

“Indeed. She was harder to train not to bite than my cats were. I had to splash hydrogen peroxide on my face afterward.”

“I like it when my man flips me around and dominates me. His hunger is sexy. You never spanked a woman? Bit her neck or nipples firmly? Threw her onto the bed and ripped down her panties?”

“Um, no.”

“Jeez, you’re missing out there, Pussycat.”

“Guess I’ve been domesticated.”

She went on to describe how he would bite her shoulder and slam her hard when he was on top of her. Then he’d flip her over onto her belly and sometimes plow the dirt road. Ew.

I think there’s a deep-seated condition involved on both ends of this nonsense. He probably was whipped repeatedly by his overbearing father and she has been so numbed by ordinary sex, she needs a physical struggle to get off. Whatever it is, it isn’t normal. I accidentally have banged incisors, was kneed in the pecker and had a pinky stuck in a lover’s earring loop, but I’ve never left marks. If a lover asked me to do something kinky like that I’d have to tap out.

Gentle love should be sufficient. Candlelight, soft sheets, lots of pillows, and tiny pinches are all it takes. OK, maybe a feather and some fuzzy cuffs. No biting, bruising, or scratching is required. How about a tiny pat on the cheek of the buttocks? No harm there.

“How do you feel about other kinky stuff?”


“Um, how about spitting?”

“Gross, not kinky.”


“Really. Now please untie me.”

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About the author

Author of humorous essays about relationships and lifestyles.