Man, you are eye candy.

man waking upBy now, most of us have seen the viral video of a man waking up from sedation, nibbling a cracker, and muttering various complimentary lines to his wife while she videos. (It’s here.) She’s awfully flattered by it, as are the millions of women who watch and go, “Awwwww!”

Well, if it’s something women like, I figure I should head to the streets and try it. Don’t mind if I skip over the whole hernia surgery thing. I’ll just have a tall gin, soda, and lemon to simulate the sedation.

Woman #1:

  • Line: “Did the doctor send you?”
  • Reaction: “What doctor? Jesus, you’re drunk, aren’t you? Where are your keys?”
  • Conclusion: Only use “doctor” in a hospital. Next time, modify the line to match the arena. In church, “Did Jesus send you?” At the gym, “Did Jane Fonda send you?” At Starbucks, “Did Juan Valdez send you?”

Woman #2:

  • Line: “Man, you are eye candy.”
  • Reaction: “Thank you, and welcome to the eighties, Falco.”
  • Conclusion: Perhaps a bit outdated, indeed. Candy is reserved for Candy Crush. Better to refer to a woman as Boner Propellant.

Woman #3:

  • Line: “You may be the prettiest woman I have ever seen.”
  • Reaction: “Oh, is that intended to be a panty-peeler? Give it up, Pops.”
  • Conclusion: Women prefer absolutes. “You are …” would have been much more effective.

Woman #4:

  • Line: “Are you a model?”
  • Reaction: “Are you a comedian? I look like a fucking model to you? Really?”
  • Conclusion: It wasn’t a woman. Long-haired surfer dudes don’t want to be models.

Woman #5:

  • Line: “You’re my wife?”
  • Reaction: “Yes, I’m your wife. I need to pay your tab. Give me five-hundred dollars.”
  • Conclusion: Women don’t want that title unless it comes with diamonds and a credit line.

Woman #6:

  • Line: “Holy shit. Dang. Man. Have we kissed yet?”
  • Reaction: “No, and we’re not going to, you creeper.”
  • Conclusion: Always better to oil the pistons before starting the engine. Wine first, then kiss.

Woman #7:

  • Line: “It’s hard, baby, it’s hard. Do we call each other baby?”
  • Reaction: “Stand down, soldier.”
  • Conclusion: Better to specify exactly what is hard, and if it’s your penis, better to tuck and ignore it.

Woman #8:

  • Line: “Oh my god, I hit the jackpot!”
  • Reaction: “Yes, you won the go-home-and-screw-your-fist prize.”
  • Conclusion: Only use this line at a convenience store, unless the clerk is armed.

Woman #9:

  • Line:”Whoa, your teeth are perfect. Turn around.”
  • Reaction: A swift kick to the groin.
  • Conclusion: Wear a cup.

The bottom line is, only deploy lines like these if you are actually married to the person on the receiving end.