Love Glove FAIL

fukuoku gloveBack when I was coming up with a plot for my Fifty Shades parodies, I felt the protagonist needed a special skill to make the ladies purr. I used this fancy thing called the internet, and hopped from site to site, hoping to find the world’s finest adult toy. Then, I stumbled upon the Fukuoku Vibrating Love Glove. The Lone Ranger has his mask; my hero must have his glove.

Mind you, I had no first-hand (so punny) experience with such a device, but it seemed to have potential, as many a reader raised an eyebrow at the idea of a gloved crusader. Well then, surely the glove would be a practical addition to my nightstand. Off to Amazon. $44 and two days later (yay, I get free shipping), I become armed and dangerously sexy.

Interesting facts about the glove:

  • It is moisture resistant … heck, it’s submersible!
  • No assembly is required, and batteries are indeed included.
  • It has two vibration settings–medium and “holy-fucking-shit-peel-me-off-the-ceiling.”
  • Each finger (thumb too) generates 9,000 clit-slapping vibrations per minute.

This device has unlimited potential. Technically, I could read my Kindle with my left hand, while diddling a partner on my right. With a Kindle there is no physical page to turn, hence no need for damp index finger assistance. Yet, if I were to pick up a paperback, I’d be covered. I could swipe emails on my phone while throbbing her knob. Marvelous. TV remote usage? A simple multitask. I could even sip scotch from a crystal tumbler while “strumming my Jane with his finger.”

All that was left was to find a willing subject. M&J had no problem. Why should I? Well, for one, most ladies want to thoroughly inspect the device before even considering taking it in. (That’s not a typo. Think about it. Touch yourself. Go ahead. Do it.) To alleviate concerns, the device must be left sealed in the package. Check.

So, this week, I finally found a woman who read my parodies, and miraculously found them more humorous than offensive. I added the prerequisite amount of wine and pleading, and she opened up. I’ll not detail how the night played out. Let’s leave that for my next romance novel abomination.

Things I have learned about the glove:

  • Masturbation, for some reason, is better done while alone.
  • The high vibration setting might actually trigger an avalanche, so, if you live in Minnesota, don’t try this at home.
  • There’s a fine line between sexy and creepy, and I seem to straddle it every time.
  • If, when you are attempting to deliver pleasure to a mate, she closes her eyes, yes, she is thinking of someone else, somewhere else, doing something else. Carry on.
  • Cats don’t like the sound it makes.
  • If you have it running for more than five minutes, your fingers will go numb. Don’t attempt to pick up anything that could break until blood circulation returns.
  • It’s probably going to spend much more time in my nightstand than it will on my hand.
  • There should be a YouTube video on how to use the glove. (Oh, fuck … there is. My favorite part is her pronunciation of the brand, “Fuck you, OK, you.” And, Radiris, my sweet, it isn’t for giving yourself a back massage.)

Fifty Shades Screenplay – Opening Scenes

Fifty Shades Trailer
FADE IN:

EXT - STREET - DAY
MORMON SILVER is pulling up to Beatrice Plastique's office in his Jeep. As he 
parks and walks up to her office, he narrates.

 MORMON (VO)
 My name is Mormon Silver, and women leave their marks on me. I need to 
understand the effect they have, so I send a Tweet with Twitter to a local 
billionairess, Beatrice Plastique.

 MORMON (SUBTITLED)
 @BPlastique, you enchant me and I'd love to interview you for my blog. #whynot

 MORMON (VO)
 I never expected a reply. Then...

 BEA (SUBTITLED)
 @MormonSilver, I'm tied up at the moment, but I'll fit you in soon. #whysure

 MORMON (VO)
 I bite my bottom lip and feel a twitch in my board shorts. She's only 
thirty-three, whereas I'm in the late autumn of my life at fifty. Would I have 
a chance at the legend? Her assistant, Eric, set up this meeting for me. I would 
never be the same.

INT - OFFICE WAITING ROOM - DAY
Mormon enters office and is greeted by Bea's assistant, ERIC, who checks out 
Mormon, head-to-toe.

 ERIC
 You must be Mr. Silver.

 MORMON
 Call me Mormon.

 ERIC
 Hmm.

 MORMON
 Yes?

 ERIC
 Are those Nudie jeans?

 MORMON
 Yes, in fact they are.

 ERIC
 Spin for me, darling.

 MORMON
 All right.

Mormon smirks and spins. Eric is pleased.

 ERIC
 Wonderful. My name is Eric. I'm Ms. Plastique's personal assistant.

 MORMON
 Nice meeting you, Eric.

Eric hands Mormon a piece of paper.

 ERIC
 This is an Interview Non-Disclosure Agreement. Please review it, initial 
each line, and sign at the bottom. Can I fetch you a chai latte?

 MORMON
 That would be awesome. Thank you.

Eric leaves Mormon in the waiting area. Mormon reads the paper and smiles 
as he initials each clause.

 MORMON (VO)
 Number one, interviewer will not look at interviewee's eyes, breasts, or feet 
unless directed by interviewee. Two, Interviewer will allow interviewee to touch 
him as she pleases without disclosing it in his blog. Yes! Three, Interviewer will 
answer questions honestly concerning his sexual stamina and history. Wait a minute, 
who's interviewing whom? Four, Interviewee reserves the right to bathe interviewer 
and demand he wear the cologne and robe of her choice. Well, I am a dirty boy. 
Five, Interviewee enjoys gentle hair pulling, neck nibbling, light spanking, 
nipple clamps, indirect clitoral pressure, and hockey playoffs.

 MORMON
 He shoots; he scores! Go Flyers!

 ERIC
 Excuse me?

 MORMON
 Oh, nothing.

Mormon signs the bottom and brings it to Eric.

 MORMON (CONT'D)
 Here you go.

Eric doesn't take the paper. Instead, picks up the phone.

 ERIC
 Mr. Silver is here for you.
 (beat)
 OK, I'll send him in.

Eric hangs up and gestures toward her door.

 ERIC (CONT'D)
 Ms. Plastique will see you now. Please go right in. You can take that with you.

 MORMON
 All right.

INT - BEA'S OFFICE - DAY
Mormon enters to find BEATRICE PLASTIQUE, sitting behind a glass desk staring 
at her Mac. Her hair is golden, her skin is glowing, and her square-rimmed 
reading glasses hang on the tip of her nose. She doesn't look up. Mormon 
approaches her desk and extends the agreement.

 BEA
 Have a seat, Mr. Silver. I'll be right with you.

 MORMON
 Please call me Mormon.

Mormon extends a hand to shake. Bea ignores him.

 BEA
 Sit down, Mormon...

Mormon sits.

 BEA (CONT'D)
 ...and take off your shoes.

 MORMON
 All right.

Mormon removes his shoes, revealing his silver argyle socks. Bea peeks
under her desk.

 BEA
 Silver socks. Interesting.

 MORMON
 Thank you. May I call you Beatrice?

Bea finally removes her glasses and looks up at Mormon.

 BEA
 No. You may call me Bea.

 MORMON
 All right. Bea, as you can see, this NDA has been signed by me.

 BEA
 Would you like more tea?

 MORMON
 Thank you, no, and touché, my sweetpea. I do have a question about the 
ground rules before we begin.

 BEA
 Yes?

 MORMON
 It's odd not being able to look you in the eyes. Where shall I look?

 BEA
 How about at my lips?

 MORMON
 Holy shit.

Bea leans forward, obviously agitated.

 BEA
 What did you say?

 MORMON
 Um, sorry.

 BEA
 I have this thing about swear words.

 MORMON
 I apologize. I won't let it happen again.

 BEA
 Why? I didn't say it's a bad thing, did I?

 MORMON
 Huh?

 BEA
 Look, Silver, although I don't use swear words, I'm not your typical lady. 
When a lover uses coarse language it makes me damp down there.

 MORMON
 That's fucking hot!

 BEA
 You're not a lover, Silver ... not yet.

 MORMON
 OK, I know you're a busy woman, so let's begin.

Mormon wriggles uncomfortably in his chair, pulls his reading glasses from 
his shirt collar, slides them to the base of his nose, and flips open a legal pad.

 BEA
 Don't do that.

 MORMON
 Bea, I can't see the questions I've prepared without my glasses.

 BEA
 Don't touch your nose.

 MORMON
 What? Why?

Mormon touches his nose again and squeezes the tip.

 BEA
 Stop. I'm warning you, Silver.

 MORMON
 Does it gross you out? Sorry.

 BEA
 No, it turns me on.

 MORMON
 My nose?

 BEA
 No, the act of touching it.

 MORMON
 Do you want to touch my nose?

 BEA
 What? No.

 MORMON
 I'm sorry. Have I missed something?

 BEA
 You don't understand my world. It's nothing you've ever been exposed to. I have 
certain needs and fetishes, and I can't expect you to comprehend them.

 MORMON
 Nose fetishes?

 BEA
 That's one. I'll try to explain it to you, but you're not writing about this.
Agreed?

 MORMON
 Agreed.

Mormon removes his glasses and touches his nose again.

 BEA
 Oh, my god! Please stop.

 MORMON
 Either tell me or I'll do it again.

 BEA
 Fine. Your nose reminds me of my big beefy clitoris and when you touch it, 
it's like you're touching me.

 MORMON
 There's no fucking way your clit is as big as my Italian schnoz.

Bea slaps her hands on the top of her desk, stands, and glares at Mormon.

 BEA
 You just used the F-word again.

 MORMON
 Bet your kinky fucking ass I did.

Bea flies over the table, knocking the chair and Mormon over. She's on top 
of him in full mount and balls his shirt in each fist.

 BEA
 You're going to hockey bang me right here, right now, Silver, or I'm going to 
yell rape and have my assistant beat you to a bloody puddle.

 MORMON
 Hockey bang?

...

Fifty Shades of Silver Hair and Socks – Final Day FREE on Kindle

Kindle owners, today is the final day the first book in my parody is free. If you do not own a Kindle, email me at ptorcivia@gmail.com and I’ll send you a PDF version. Thank you for your support!

Check it out at Amazon.com

Fifty Shades of Silver Hair and Socks by Phil Torcivia