Most Popular Halloween Costumes: 2012 Edition

It’s time for the annual “I can dress like a slut” Day for ladies. How festive! For men, it’s “I can dress like a woman/redneck/penis” Day. How silly! Still, I predict this year’s most popular costume for the ladies will be the slutty redneck combo, affectionately known as “The Honey Boo Boo, all growed up and drunk on cheap whiskey version.” It’s akin to a distorted and deranged Little Orphan Annie, or Raggedy Ann (for gingers) from decades ago. Certain things recycle as the years pass.

OK, so, what should your man do if you insist on being Boo Boo? Redneck is too obvious. Think outside the trailer. I have some suggestions:

  1. Pregnant Nun.
  2. Mittens Romney (cute kitty cat outfit with gray sideburns, a thick wallet, and no concept of reality).
  3. Cucumber.
  4. Girl Scout.
  5. Parrot Perch … oh, wait, Cee-Lo already did that and, technically, it was a ripoff of Koko B. Ware anyway.
  6. Donald Trump’s hair.
  7. Santa Claus (just to fuck with Target by calling attention to Christmas before they do).
  8. Chocolate Zombie – bleeding Hershey’s syrup and pudding. I, for one, would eat you.

When children come to my door, begging for handouts, I play a little game of “go long” with them. I make them run post patterns on my front lawn and I dot them in the head with Twix bars, then Tebow myself and thank Jesus for the great arm he blessed me with. When they say, “Hey, mister. Guess what I am?” I play along, because, like a good neighbor, I don’t like your kids.

“Hmm. That’s a tough one.”

“C’mon, mister. Look, I have a black cape and a mask.”

“Ah, you’re the gimp from Pulp Fiction. Here, let me get medieval on your ass. I’ll fetch a sword and some mead.”

“No, that’s not it.”

“You’re a child laborer, and that evil person waiting at my front gate is your slave master. They’ve sent you here to pester and beg. If you return without gold coins they’ll whip you and force you to attend catechism and soccer camp.”

“What?”

“Wrong again. Fuck. Sorry. Don’t ever use that word, unless you burn your mouth on hot pizza. Then, it’s OK. Let me see. What’s black and annoying? Are you Jesse Jackson?”

“No.”

“Say, do you know what’s really fun to do? When you go to my neighbor’s house and he answers the door, point at him, turn to your dad, and say, ‘Dad, he just showed me his pee pee.'”

“Huh?”

“Oh, you’re no fun. OK, let me try another guess. Are you a movie character?”

“Yes.”

“A good guy or bad guy?”

“Good guy.”

“Were you in Silence of the Lambs?”

“No.”

“Damn it. All right. Are you a superhero?”

“Yes!”

“Excellent. Oh, gee, this was easy. How did I miss it? You’re Lebron James.”

“No.”

“I give up.”

“I’m Batman.”

“Ha! Right, and I’m Kayne Fucking West. Here’s a pack of Smarties. Now, go away so I can keep up with my Kardashian.”