Advice for Recently-Single Men

trimTrim your ball hair. More on that later.

Some of my fifty-ish friends are finding their nests vacant. The sting of depression begins to wear off as they consider the exciting prospect of rediscovering love. Like a calf staggering after leaving the vagina, they seek my guidance in how to get back in. I’ve been single a dozen years, so I’m seasoned, so to speak.

My initial tips involve personal hygiene. Many men begin to let certain things go as the anniversaries pile up. Their wives should nip them before those poor habits sprout, but marriage is exhausting and numbing. Wives tend to overlook more and demand less, right up until the divorce proceedings.

Guys, no matter what you hear, less hair down there means more blow jobs. It’s that simple. You like blow jobs, right? Would you rather eat off the lawn or the counter? Remember the 80s when you were trying to tongue-weed-whack your way through Suzie’s Velcro beav-ski? No fun, huh? Well, on date #3, Ms. Next will feel the same way about your coco-nuts.

I’m not saying you should straight-razor the whole area. You can leave a bit of hair at the base of your mighty oak, but the oak itself must have no sprouts. Capisce? Buy yourself electric clippers, and go to town like the grounds crew before the MLB All-Star Game. No, don’t do this in the shower. Stand over newspaper. And, don’t do it around anyone with a cell phone, or you’ll wind up on Insta-Cock.

It’s so easy. Once a month or so (hairy Italian fuckers like me need to do this weekly), trim the beans, trim around the frank, and shave the frank clean. While you’re at it, trim your chest and arm hair. If you can see armpit hair when your arms are by your side, guess what? Yes, trim that. Remove all nose and ear hair. Any eyebrows long enough to floss with need to be snipped.

If you happen to be one of these lumbersexual twats springing up all over Southern California, you’ll ignore me. Help me understand this look. You shave the side of your head, grow it long on top, comb it across your skull a la Boo from Orange is the New Black, and then add a pube face. Chicks dig that? Are you sure? I think they’re just being kind—too kind. You look stupid. Stop it!

One more hygiene thing is scent. Nobody (consciously) likes the natural smell of anything but roses. Man’s natural smell is onion-y. Shower daily. Use a loofah. Use wet wipes when you’re done on the potty. Use deodorant. Floss. Spray on two tiny spritzes of cologne—Mennen, Old Spice, and Brut are not colognes. One shot to your chest, and one at your belt line. Trim and clean your nails.

I’ll give a few wardrobe pointers while I’m at it. Throw away all of the following: leather sandals, Hawaiian shirts, pinky rings, pony tails, tank tops, beanies, tiny dogs, briefs, high school letter jackets, reading glasses on chains, martini glasses, horizontal striped anything, huge belt buckles, and Corvettes. These are infamous cock blockers.

Now, take your crispy clean self on out there and find the next woman to disappoint.