This whole “Nice Guy” thing started when I heard the phrase used to describe me. Whenever there’s a “nice” there’s usually a nasty “but” following. It could be the typical reasons:

  • But he’s too old.
  • But he isn’t a good Christian fellow.
  • But he’s a player.
  • But he has cats.
  • But he drinks too much.

I’ve grown ego calluses over all those reasons. Basically, zero fucks given after the “nice” thing. Still, the one “but” that would knock the wind from me is the one given by a delicious little cutie to describe her boy who has everything, “but, he’s packing a three-inch stump.”


Never met the guy, yet I wanted to defend Ole Gherkin. What could I say?

“Three inches soft?” (I said, hopingly.)

“Half an inch soft.”

“Kah-rhyst! Um. Maybe it just seems small.”

“Are you saying I have a cavernous vag?”

“No, silly. I mean, perhaps it’s closer to five inches. It’s not like you actually took a ruler down there, did ya?”

“See my middle finger?”

“Yes … and, that’s impolite.”

“No, what’s impolite is his cock, which is smaller than my finger. What’s impolite is that significant areas of my ladiness are sadly and badly neglected.”

“Yikes. Hey, I bet he can eat a mean pussy, right? I mean, guys with tiny peckers gotta have MVP lingus skills, yo.”


“OK, you need to toss that minnow back to the sea.”

“He’s everything I want in a man, and more.”

“You mean ‘less.’ Bwah, ha, ha!”

“You’re not helping.”

“Look, darling, there’s no happy ending to this short story.”

“Keep it up.”

“I tease. Just break up with him. For God’s sake, don’t tell him it’s because he has pinky penis.”

Doubt she took my advice. Another alternative is to add a fuckbuddy to the roster to get those hard-to-reach spots. Fuckbuddies usually are assholes, so use them as necessary. Meanwhile, I’m going to do twenty dick-ups to avoid being Stumpy II.

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About the author

Author of humorous essays about relationships and lifestyles.