Strange Behavior

If you do something strange, I’m going to react. Why? Because I’m human–built that way. Guess what else? Nobody gets to tell me how I should react. Well, they can tell me, but that certainly won’t influence my reaction, and I’m too old and crusty to feel bad about it.

Don’t you hate when you’re told you should react a certain way? That’s ridiculous when you think about it. Your whole life has been spent sampling experiences to bring you to this point. You like and dislike things based on your past, not the experiences of the person “should-ing” on you.

Take the Bruce/Caitlyn Jenner thing. That’s a 65-year-old Olympian male who suddenly has puffy lips, hips, and boobs. I don’t give a hoot about his lifestyle, but you can’t tell me his change in appearance isn’t reaction-worthy. And, don’t give me that PC nonsense that if I react I’m some sort of hater, sexist, or homophobe.

Here’s my reaction: “Ew, Christ, what the fuck?”

If I didn’t know it was Bruce, and I ran into Caitlyn at one of my favorite nightly unwinds, my reaction would be different. Probably something like, “Nice looking woman right there. Obviously had some work done, but bravo.”

Now, we all know the Kardashians are the kings (minus one) and queens (plus one) of media attention whores. So, everything they do, whether it’s a porn tape, pregnancy, or addaboobtome procedure is done to keep the cameras on them. Right? So, I gotta wonder if Bruce did this partly to steal back from Kris and Company some of the attention he has grown addicted to. Sure, he may have been privately parading around in women’s clothing for years. I’m not saying he went through the change reluctantly. I’m saying he did it as publicly as possible for attention.

I’ve had relatives and friends who get all kinds of tatted up and pierced. Then, when a person walks by staring or wrinkling a schnoz, my friend the pincushion gets offended, and I enter the melee.

“Well, what did you expect? You’re wearing a diamond booger and a skull. You did this to draw attention. Now you have attention. You don’t get to decide what sort of attention it is.”

“I didn’t get pierced for attention. I did it for me.”

“… because you like the way it looks, and it makes you look different, right?”


“So, things that look different get attention. If I drop trou’ here in the mall, take a dump, and make a castle out of my excrement, I may call it art, but I’ll get plenty of attention from shoppers who would ordinarily not even know I existed, and their reactions will be mostly disapproving stares.”

“You’re comparing my ink and piercings to dung?”

“I’m using an extreme example to show that if you do something odd, you should expect attention—sometimes a thumbs up, and sometimes a green pukey face.”

“Maybe I don’t care what people think.”

“If that’s true, it’s very healthy of you. The fact that you’re defending it tells me otherwise.”

I’m highly annoyed when celebrities or people with similar lifestyles jump in front of something like the Caitlyn ordeal. They can’t help but applaud his/her bravery. Even Obama commented. Piss me off! The best response from the commander in chief would have been, “Bruce is now Caitlyn. Who gives a fuck? Not me. Now, about that water shortage …”

It annoys me because these people are trying to ride on the hype train. Nobody asked for their public opinion. Nobody said they need to prove their correctness and lifestyle acceptance by tweeting their filtered, fake reaction. I don’t care if Gaga approves or disapproves of his transition. Make music, woman. That’s what you do. If you’re so accepting, go through the change yourself—become Harry Gaga—then leak a video of you having sex with Caitlyn Jenner. That, I would watch. It wouldn’t go into my spank locker (that’s pretty full), but I’d put it right next to the “Cat on a Roomba” video on my you-gotta-see-this shelf.

There ya go, Bruce/Caitlyn. I don’t give a shit. If you’re happy, lovely. If I ever occupy an adjacent bar stool, I will ask you why. That’s curiosity. That’s normal. I’m only naturally-flawed human.

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About the author

Author of humorous essays about relationships and lifestyles.
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