Standing the Groom

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I don’t know if it’s worse that people are spending hours balancing a broom on its end, taking photos, and posting to Facebook, or that I’m wasting time seeing and reacting to this silliness. We must be bored. We must need another election, deadly virus, or storm to keep us occupied.

Maybe mate scarcity is the cause of boredom. Are hitched people less bored? I can’t remember. I was hitched in 2000 and unhitched in 2013. Marriage should reduce boredom. Sex takes longer when you’re not alone. Or, is that a man thing? Women will take the time to light candles, draw a bath, and read juicy prose before positioning their love bean under the faucet. Men just whip it out and whack away.

Hmm. Should I look to get hitched this year? If I surveyed my married and single friends, they’d mostly suggest that the opposite of their current status is the optimal status. I’d need to ask when they’re alone to get an honest answer. Many would suggest I get another hobby, job, or pet. Others would tell me to go travel.

But, this man needs some lovin’, dammit!

I make drinks for an adorable Latina to deliver at work. She calls me “Mijo” and asks how’s my love life. Before you get any ideas (I’ve had a few), she asks it like she would ask her grandfather.

“Mijo, maybe you should try a dating app.”

“Yeah. Already doing that.”

“No matches there?”

“Two dates in around two years.”

“Mijo, what age you put there? You only look for young girls?”

“I put my real age there. Fifty-eight.”

“Not yours, Mijo. What age girl you want?”

“Eighteen to eighty.”

“Stop it. Maybe you need girl a little younger – like fifty.”

“Maybe I need drink a little stronger – like tequila.”

“You show me your profile sometime. I help you, Mijo.”

“Can’t you just hook me up with your hot sister? Cousin? Mother?”

“My tía, she’s single.”

“That means aunt, right?”

“Yes, Mijo.”

“What does she look like?”

“She’s Cuban.”

“Ugh. Sorry. Is she as beautiful and kind as you?”

“Sure, Mijo. Maybe you meet her someday with my boyfriend and me.”

“Wonderful.”

“Two Coronas. Salt and lime.”

“Yes, Mija.”

You have to be open to meeting people and letting things go where they may, right? No sense cutting off all opportunities because the next one could be disappointing. Heck, I’m sure I’ve disappointed more than my share. If I’m ever to gratuitously sleep on another wet spot, I need to strip off all preconceptions and nakedly stalk my prey in the vast jungle of possibilities. Once I’ve got her I’ll stand proudly next to her as groom or lover.

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About the author

Author of humorous essays about relationships and lifestyles.