Soon, I’ll have it licked.


“What are you reading?”

“You don’t want to know.”

“Yes, I do.”

“This is another reason why I have a Kindle: so you can’t see the cover or tell how often I’m flipping pages.”


“Fine. It’s a book called She Comes First and it’s absolutely what you think it is.”

“A great idea?”

“Some would say.”

“Well, what have you learned?”

“That your pussy is like fine, red wine.”

“It is and you’re disgusting.”

“Am so. It says right here that the pH of your vulva is remarkably similar to wine. Next time I head south, I’m bringing crackers and thinly sliced Parmesan.”

“Hey, whatever keeps you down there for longer than a minute.”

“You bring up another thing I learned: It takes much longer for a woman to orgasm–typically in the fifteen to forty-five-minute range.”


“Damn. Sounds like a sore neck to me.”

“That’s why you have pillows. What else?”

“The clitoris is similar to the penis, but doesn’t have the waste removal duties and is thus entirely dedicated to being a pleasure center. It contains thousands of nerve endings and the hood is similar to a man’s foreskin. I wouldn’t know about that last part since I have none.”


“Which part?”

“The part under the foreskin.”

“Touche. Here’s something I found interesting: Some anthropologists suggest that a woman wears lipstick to signal her lover in a similar way to how her ‘lower lips’ expose themselves and change color during stimulation.”

“OK, I’m going to touch up mine, but it’s because I have dry upper lips, not the other reason.”

“Damn. Have you had breakfast yet?”

“Yes. Why? Don’t get gross on me.”

“I learned that an undesirable scent from below could be a sign of promiscuity because sperm can taint the area north of the taint.”

“I had a bagel with lox and cream cheese.”


“I should know better than to ask you questions. Couldn’t you just lie like other men?”

“Sure, but I’m a nice guy. Remember?”

“How could I forget?”

“Now let me finish the book so I can do like Neil Armstrong.”

“Fly to the moon?”

“No. Take one small lick for a man; one giant lick for womankind.”

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About the author

Author of humorous essays about relationships and lifestyles.