Single Shaming


All right, you mean couples. Stop picking on me. I’m sensitive (especially around the taint). Maybe I want to be single. Ever think of that? Maybe it suits me. It doesn’t make me a bad person. How does it affect you if I’m seated solo? To you, it’s freaky — to me, opportunity.

What’s so great about not being single? Lots of sex? Just stop it. Affection? I have two cats and a massage chair. Tax benefits? Not really. Strength in numbers? It takes two? Only on a seesaw.

I can sense your judgment, Barb and Ken. Well, ya know what, Barb? While you’re over there doing your wifely things, Ken is here drinking with me and pointing out the lovely features on a female specimen unavailable to him. It’s unlikely but she’s technically available to me. Ken is exhausted by all of the emotional proppings you require. Yes, I know. Ken’s a slob and he doesn’t go down on you often enough. These are not things single me deals with. You’ve got your love. This comes in the package. Mine is empty. Like a cat, I can have fun with my empty box.

“What’s wrong with him?”

I could be gay, but you do know there are single gay people, right? I could be freaky, but some women love freaks. I could be mean, but that would make you overly sensitive. I could be a god-free drunk who loves baseball and the occasional stanky cigar. Yes. Yes, I could. You bet, sweetie. Run far away or I’ll waft my Rocky Patel and sneer in your general direction.

We singles don’t seek attention, admiration, and envy. We seek solitude. You know what I think? I think you envy me while holding his hand, fixing his bangs, or tickling his shoulder. I’m unbetrothed. You’re committed. I’m unshackled. You’re trapped.

Here, I’ll try a lyric to defend this wonderful emptiness:

 I sit and stare nowhere.
Next to me is opportunity.
As TVs flash dangerous cures for disease,
angels serve smiles for fees.
I smile back, trying not to stare.

What is this vacancy?
It's inside and beside me.
Why must I hide or join your side?
Just look away.
I'm not your clown.
Just look away or
follow me down.

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About the author

Author of humorous essays about relationships and lifestyles.