Top 10 Rituals to Keep You Single


I’m fucking tired of top ten lists, aren’t you? There won’t be ten anything here. I’m using that headline because titles using “top” tend to get more clicks, and I’m a click whore.

So, I was reading about all these cute little couple rituals to help them stay together—leaving a morning love note on the fridge (ick), sending mid-day selfies (ickity ick), and making “what I love about you” statements at bedtime (I happen to love not doing that). Brrr! I just got a severe douche chill. My balls, they be a-shrivelin’.

If you want to keep your lover, do this: Be his or her best option.

Naturally, I’m single, which means I’m more likely to croak at a younger age. Not sure I believe those studies. Stress causes death, and it’s not very stressful taking care of half as many people as couples. One reason for my single-arity is my refusal to play these love games.

If you’re like me—enjoying your serenity—here are rituals (and not the fucking top five, ten best ever, guaranteed, proven ways, plus a Ginsu):

  • Always sit next to some guy’s gal at the bar. This will give the illusion of being occupied.
  • Don’t go to house parties with 50% or more couples in attendance. Seriously. They really suck hard. You want to have a noodge try to set you up all night? Hells no. Want to spend the night explaining why you’re single? Nope again. Drop off the bottle of cheap wine, and leave out the back.
  • If you’re a guy, make your master bathroom female unfriendly. Remove all up-y close-y mirrors, leave three sheets on the toilet paper roll at all times, and keep bath towels hidden, except for one that’s just short enough to be unable to cover both nipples and nay-nay. Also, your shower must have no benches or seats, no loofas, and no shampoo. One bar of Irish Spring is all that belongs there (you can wash your hair with it, I promise).
  • If you’re a gal, make your master bedroom male unfriendly. Cover your bed with an ultra-thick duvet, decorative pillows, afghans, and annoying pets. His nightstand gets a lavender-scented candle. Yours should have a large black dildo, and foot cream in plain sight. Turn on your white noise generator (dolphins and oceans, please). Hang family pictures (especially ones of your father and young children).

Social media must be mastered by singles. It is absolutely crucial that all of your photos are of either you, pets, landscapes, or memes. If any lover is in any photo, delete that shit, pronto. Also, never like any post featuring both irritants (aka, the happy couple). Instead, use one of these not top ten comments:

  • Aww. (Insert a puke emoji if you have one.)
  • You two deserve each other.
  • So, which ex is this?
  • I’m placing this high up in my spank bank.
  • Wow, Cupid really shit the bed on this one.

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About the author

Author of humorous essays about relationships and lifestyles.