Signs That You May Be Too Single

Are you a self-sufficient, intolerant fuck like me? Yikes! We need to be careful. Social unacceptability—a trait we treasure—is frowned upon by those of the coupling kind. First, we need to identify the signs of single-doom, see if they apply to us, then obscure them.

Here are some clues that you may have become too single:

  • You have created a nest, and consider guests to be pests.
  • The ratio of self-given orgasms to orgasms delivered by others exceeds 2-to-1.
  • You have stimulating conversations with your pets.
  • When you succumb to hosting a bed-warmer, you spend a significant part of the evening staring at it, wondering how to make it go away.
  • When a friend offers to set you up, you politely respond that you would rather snort Drano.
  • Public displays of affection, where they used to make you smile or trigger a bit of envy, now make you cringe.
  • You insist upon separate tabs.
  • Before dating someone, you now consider what types of baggage they are carrying more important than kissing skills.
  • Facebook updates announcing engagements and pregnancies are almost as annoying as Adam Levine’s falsetto.

Did you find your-solo-self somewhere in there? Fret not, my friend. You and I have evolved beyond the cavemen who surround us. It is not our duty to perpetuate the species. It is our duty to drink wine—entire bottles, completely unshared.

Yet, to avoid having angry fingers pointed at us, and insults thrown our way, we can camouflage our serenity. The last thing we need is Fox News covering a bunch of married curmudgeons marching on our front lawns, carrying signs with awful slogans like, “God hates monosexuals!”

Ways to obscure your plus-zero preference:

  • Attend house parties, when invited. Bring wine. Drink wine. Raid the medicine cabinet. Sneak out the back.
  • Find another plus-zero, and agree to use each other when a partner is required. (Technically, this is only when playing on a seesaw. I’ve played ping-pong with myself, and I once saw a picture of Ron Jeremy blowing himself. So, there.)
  • Don’t post solo pictures. Have the bartender take a selfie with you.
  • Avoid cruises, line dancing, and cooking classes.
  • Sit at the bar next to someone attractive and somewhat age-appropriate. No need to converse. Simply place your wine bottle between you, giving the illusion you’d actually share.

There you go, Han Solo. Enjoy yourself while enjoying your self. Be proud. Be strong. Be you by your side.

About the author

Author of humorous essays about relationships and lifestyles.

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