She woke up with a wiener.


A woman I met last night told me she had a recent dream where she had a penis (attached) for twenty-four hours. I knew where her story was heading but joined her for the ride anyway.

“The first thing I thought was, Wow, I have this thing now. What should I do with it?
“When you find out, let me know.”
“Seriously. I decided to find a place to put it that would feel the best.”
“Technically, you’d need to put it there and remove it numerous times.”
“Yes, I know. So, I figured a vagina would be nice.”
“Ah, but what kind of vagina?”
“Kind? You mean size? Shape? Age?”
“Well, sure, but which vagina would make my penis feel the best.”
“One that fits snugly.”
“Right again!”
“I’m so perceptive. You’d be tempted to think I have a penis.”
“I bet you do.”
“All right. Continue.”
“I wondered if a petite woman would be best. You know–smaller and tighter.”
“Not always true. A friend of mine once observed, ‘Big women have big pussies. Little women … all pussy.'”
“Right. Then I wondered if an athletic woman would be ideal. If she’s firm and works out often, chances are …”
“Ah, the key is to find a virgin. If my penis is the first one there, it won’t be all stretched out. It should fit like a glove.”
“Yes, but pain and bleeding on the recipient’s end will make the experience less enjoyable. Plus, the sheets–you need to consider the sheets, and whether you have peroxide handy.”
“Good to know. Then I decided to find a porn star. She’d be skilled in the fine art of penis handling. That should feel wonderful.”
“Fine, but you don’t often find porn stars in your local pub.”
“True, and I only have twenty-four hours. Guess I could find someone similarly skilled, like a prostitute.”
“Then you and your penis could wind up in the clink, and that’s not a great place to have a penis.”
“Indeed. Time was running out, and I kept asking my male friends for advice. I was becoming more desperate, and they were of little help. One suggested my hand would be a convenient fit.”
“Yep. Then, at least your desperation should subside, while you think about something other than vagina for an hour or so.”
“A hand can’t possibly feel as good as a vagina, can it?”
“No, but it eliminates most of the investing, begging, apologizing, and such.”
“My time with my penis was nearly finished, so I went to a bar and smiled, chatted, and flirted with every woman I found, trying to find any vagina. It was as if the women sensed my desperation. The harder I tried, the more I drifted from my goal.”
“I even tried hitting on the bartenders and servers, to no avail. I grew tired but determined to find a warm place for my penis, I stayed until last call. Surely, there would be an inebriated woman with sufficiently lowered standards to accept my penis.”
“Nothing. I went home, climbed in bed, and fell asleep before I remembered to masturbate.”
“Welcome to my world.”
“I woke up without a penis and felt like a big weight was lifted from my shoulders.”
“See? Penis is overrated. It’s not a man’s world after all.”
“Would you and your cursed penis like a drink?”
“Yes, we would … and a kiss, please.”
“Don’t push it.”

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About the author

Author of humorous essays about relationships and lifestyles.