Sexual ROI


You’d like to think men don’t consider the economic side of relationships. We do. We may not all admit it (because some of us hate sleeping on the couch with Coco’s cold, wet nose), but we all apply a little grade school algebra. It smacks of prostitution.

My pal, Hank, just broke it off with a woman he dated for six weeks. He saw diminishing returns (e.g., blowjobs) and decided it was time to sell, sell, sell.

“Wow, I thought things were going along magnificently.”

“It sure started that way. After date two she sexted me a topless photo.”

“Quite a fine prospectus, if you ask me.”

“Indeed it was.”

“Since you are no longer invested, may I have a look-see? I’d like to review the assets.”

“Here ya go.”

“Bravo! How were the returns?”

“Early returns were encouraging.”


“I figure I invested close to two thousand dollars in the six weeks. I probably got laid twelve times.”

“Well,” I scratched my head as my sexual abacus went to work, “that’s on the pricey side, my friend.”


“The missing element is the value of your orgasm. Are there any other factors to consider, such as road head or hiney sex?”

“There were, I estimate, three bonus blowjobs.”

“OK. So, fifteen orgasms for two thousand dollars means each orgasm had to be worth one hundred thirty-three dollars, give or take thirty-three cents and repeating threes. Damn, those repeating threes and sixes are annoying.”

“Yep. I vowed to withdrawal any investment with orgasms costing me more than one hundred dollars.”

Ah, capitalism at its worst.

Various expenses go into the investment part of the equation. The largest investment is usually dining out. We apply more than fifty percent because we probably would have opted for Carl’s Jr. if she wasn’t along. We definitely would have skipped the bread pudding. Other expenses include gas money for the ride to her house and restaurant and back, the bottle of wine delivered as a kind guest gesture, and contraception. It adds up.

Perhaps women perform similar financial calculations. Their returns must require consideration of penis width, length of sexual session, oral favors, and proper post-coital conversation and cuddling.

Where’s the investment for women?

Oh, I almost forgot. There are substantial investments in preparing the asset for delivery. First, there’s the investment in hair, nails, and makeup. Time is money and, although it takes most men ten minutes to get ready, women need an hour, or else. (There’s a logic behind the length of ESPN News loops.) Second, women’s clothing is pricey. Toss in designer shoes, purses, and sunglasses and there’s a substantial investment.

Here’s the difference: Her investment is a capital asset, which may be spread across numerous investors (lovers).

I can’t reuse a condom, recover half the bottle of Bordeaux, or take a tax deduction for taxiing my investment all over creation, now can I? It’s a sunken investment. Maybe, I should see it as a donation and hope for karmic returns. Ah, but the next thoroughly exhausting orgasm makes it all worthwhile, so I’ll keep investing without thinking too much about the ROI.

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About the author

Author of humorous essays about relationships and lifestyles.