Your handy guide to sexual harassment.

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In the wake of allegations against our illustrious mayor of San Diego, it’s apparent we need guidelines in place to prevent future career-ending buffoonery. What I provide below is a list of things you should not say to a coworker while at work. Technically, you could get yourself in hot water if you said something inappropriate to a coworker outside of work, but that depends on your employer’s code of ethics, and whether you’re fucking in a hot tub. It would behoove you to thumb through this handy guide before deploying risky words, especially in print.

In each case, I will give you the phrase and an acceptability score between one and ten (one being totally acceptable, ten being something that will get you fired and kicked in the shin, at minimum).

Phrase: “Nice tits, Gladys. Can I touch one?”

Score: Eight.

First of all, it’s “may,” not “can.” Second, while the sensitivity around the word “tits” has waned, you should choose another word. Any lawyer worth his weight in salt would advise you to select a word that could mean “tits,” without being so obvious. Using something like “melons,” “neeners,” or “lumps of libation” will drop the offense score down to seven or so–still dangerous. Be creative, my friend. Get that score under five. Say, “My, what a lovely get-up, Gladys.”

Phrase: “Let’s grab lunch, and fuck like monkeys.”

Score: Nine.

Such silliness. Are you planning to shower as well? Or, are you going to sit in salty after-sex crotch all afternoon? At least keep a stock of baby wipes in your desk. It was mighty crass of you to use the word “fuck.” Can you find a creative way to suggest the act without being so literal? How about, “I sure could go for some sausage. You?” In Dutch country, feel free to use kielbasa–it’s more acceptable.

Phrase: “Sit on my lap, while I prepare your annual appraisal.”

Score: Seven.

While sidesaddle sex is a fine departure from the mundane, it’s best left behind closed doors … at home. Actually, this position is ideal for clitoral and anal play, keeping both wrists in the natural position. The disadvantage is that one breast (the one farthest from the mountee’s mouth) will be sadly neglected. But, I digress. It’s not a good idea to write appraisals with the subordinate close enough to read the words as you type them. This stifles creativity. The minute you begin the “Needs Improvement” section, you are in danger of contracting a dislocated penis. If you want your subordinate on your lap, simply dress up as Santa for the next holiday party.

Phrase: “Show me your cock.”

Who says women don’t harass? I have noted in my diary, numerous cases of such. It wasn’t always those four words, mind you.

“Hey, boss, why don’t you whip out that magnificent sperm worm of yours?”

“Toss your bone my way, darling, and I’ll fetch it.”

“Bet I can fuck-drain a few thousand stock options out of you.”

“I’m dripping wet, and need your luscious love muscle.”

Oh, how it pains me to recall these situations. (*sniff*) Ladies, please control yourselves. There’s no need to accept a man’s seed just to break through a glass ceiling. Far better it is to work hard … and naked.

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About the author

Author of humorous essays about relationships and lifestyles.