Sex Signals


“The aim of art is to represent not the outward appearance of things, but their inward significance.” – Aristotle

No matter how long you’ve been with your mate, there’s somewhat of a communication gap, and it most likely concerns sex. One of you is in the mood; one isn’t. One expects the other to initiate; the other worries that initiation will be shut down. One expects a certain level of kinkiness; one is exhausted and prefers the ordinary.

Being unmarried for quite some time now (almost ten years), I don’t have to worry about sending smoke signals to my roommate. My friends do entertain me with their solutions to the age-old disconnect. Let’s face it, most men will leap at any chance to ejaculate. Therefore, it’s usually the woman who needs to signal the man that she’s open for funny business.

“My wife gives me a clear signal. It works out well.”

“Let me guess. She says, ‘You can fuck me tonight, if you like.'”

“No, a bit more subtle.”

“She grabs your junk?”

“What if we’re out in public? More subtle.”

“She raises a mailbox flag on her side of the bed?”


“Flameless candles?”

“It’s quite simple: She wears her hair up when she wants to have sex.”

“Ah, brilliant! But, wait. What if her hair is down, and your balls are burstin’ for some good lovin’. No can do?”

“Well, it depends. In that case I usually ask.”

“I think she should incorporate earrings into the signals.”

“How so?”

“If she prefers you do some licky-licky before entry, she can wear lavender earrings. (The ‘L’ thing, not to be confused with ‘P’ as in purple, as in pee on me in the shower.) She can wear brown for …”

“Butt sex?”

“Easy, camper. I was going for blow job.”

“Ah. Still, I like where this is heading.”

“Nice choice of words, amigo. She can wear red if she wants you to toss her around a bit. R as in rough. Red earrings means bring hot wax, wooden spoons, and a spray bottle.”

“A spray bottle?”

“What? Don’t tell me you’ve never tried the spray bottle.”

“Only to keep the cats off the counters.”

“Fill the bottle with tequila and have yourself a vagarita.”


Naturally there are other signals that can be incorporated. Use your imagination, my sweet. Avoid the lazy ways, such as sending emoticons.

===> ( ! ) ?

This makes me wonder if we should all be giving signals in the singles bars. Obviously, we can’t use hair up or down as a signal. Misinterpretation could result in beer baths. Perhaps a certain type of glass or a charm at the base of a wine glass could connote whether the drinker happens to be tingly in the panties. Food choice often provides some insight. If he’s slurping down oysters, especially hands-free, chances are he’s up for heading south on a girl who’s game. If she’s got the stem of a beer bottle label-deep, she’s probably up for numbing her gag reflex with a flesh probe.

Then again, perhaps it’s best to begin the old-fashioned way with “Could I have this dance?”

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About the author

Author of humorous essays about relationships and lifestyles.