Since I expect to find myself shirtless by a pool in the coming months, I’ve joined my fellow huskies and adjusted my meals accordingly.
Yesterday at the sub shop I ordered a turkey salad with vinaigrette dressing on the side. As I dipped my leafy greens I couldn’t avoid the sights and scents of meatballs, pastrami, and melted cheese.
I ate angrily.
Those more disciplined than I see choices like these differently. Heck, some even feel sorry for the people one booth over who are mowing their ways toward pasty arteries.
“I feel so much better when I eat right. All I’ve eaten so far today is two egg whites and an apple.”
“Don’t be like that. It’s so good for you.”
“I want to kill something … and eat it with a wad of wasabi.”
“We’ll take a long walk this afternoon and splurge a bit for dinner. How about skinless chicken breast and snow peas?”
“No, damn it! I want a big, greasy burger with lots of bacon and cheese. I want waffle-fucking-fries and warm pretzel bites with honey mustard. I want a cookie sandwich of two warm, dark chocolate chip cookies surrounding a Reese’s Peanut Butter Cup. And, I don’t give a drool if it makes me lumpy.”
The same nonsense goes on with women I’m attracted to, but can’t have. If the fellow next to me is enjoying a tasty brunette with a side of morning nookie, I become angry. If one of my attractive female buddies seeks my advice about men while reminding me that my penis is off-limits, I see red. If my lovely wingwoman has a few too many, which makes her extra touchy/flirty, my insides boil.
I can’t have any.
When the next day rolls around, I don’t look back and take pride in my discipline. No. I deal with the woulda-coulda-shoulda song pounding in my head. So, I’m fat and fucked either way: I’m either mad at myself for gorging like a beast, or my empty stomach is full of regret about what should have been.
When I get to this point it’s time to splurge or someone is going to suffer as I purge my frustration. Tonight, instead of veggies, hummus, salmon salad, and light beer, I’m going to have French-Freaking-Onion soup with extra cheese, gnocchi with thick, zesty paste, and a warm, chocolate dessert with a lump of creamy frozen stuff. Heck, I may even have it with a bucket of Baileys and a woman far too young to fondle my sagginess. Good day.