Miracle Cure

Scientists discover miracle cure: Talking to the little man in the boat.

Mufflick, Alabama – Scientists went hard to work after hearing Michael Douglas’ claim that he acquired throat cancer from “eating too much pussy.” Not since the movie Sideways destroyed sales of Merlot, has an actor’s line had such an effect. Women’s vaginas all across the nation have been sadly neglected. Some claim this has also affected sales of peanut butter. Major metropolitan areas have seen significant water shortages, possibly due to women straddling tub faucets.

We asked random men on Box Lunch Boulevard downtown to get their reactions to Michael Douglas’ claim.

“Jesus. Throat cancer? Guess I’ll stick to anal lingus.”

“Never really liked doing it anyway. Now I have an excuse.”

“On what part of the vagina does the cancer live? If I just concentrate on the love button, am I safe?”

“You down with HPV? Yeah, you know me.”

“What if I lay down a thick layer of packing tape before I lick it? That should protect me.”

Fortunately, scientists didn’t take the actor seriously (especially after seeing his droopy lip and ass on Basic Instinct), and performed numerous trials. Amazingly, the tests overwhelmingly invalidated Douglas’ claim, and proved quite the opposite. We interviewed chief specialist Clamford Lapinski.

“Dr. Lapinski …”

“Please, call me Clam.”

“Clam, tell our viewers what you’ve found.”

“Well, not only has cunnilingus been conclusively found to not cause cancer, it has many unforeseen benefits. First, it has been found to ease joint pain, except for in the neck. A protein in the female ejaculate has been positively linked to hair growth–not just any hair, in fact: dark hair on the scalp. Not that we’re encouraging this, but this same protein has been shown to cure acne in teenagers.”

“That’s amazing.”

“I know! But, that’s not all,” continued Clam, “turns out vaginal juices are more effective at curing erectile dysfunction than Viagra, all without altering the patient’s vision. Pfizer is rushing to develop a 5-hour Erection Drink that contains a synthetic version of the substance. And lastly, we’ve found that the divorce rate for men who head south at least five times a month is almost half the national rate.”

“Damn.”

A collective sigh of relief could be heard across yoga classes as women rejoiced at the thought of once again being tongue punched in the baby box. We caught up with a few babes in sweaty Lululemon, and asked how this new scientific study might change their lives.

“Guess I can resume giving blowjobs. Gettin’ pretty tired of seeing my husband mope around the house.”

“Thank god. I was a bit concerned about that tiny experiment I had in college.”

“I think the scientists should study butt sex. There’s probably a link to shingles or something. Damn tired of my man thumbing my butt.”

“I’m rushing home to sit on a face as we speak.”

“This is the best news–sorry, I’m a little choked up–since they discovered that wine is good for you. Say, your camera man is cute. Interested in a little miracle serum, hottie?”

Douglas’ wife, CZJ, could not be reached for comment as she reportedly is hanging out with the entire San Antonio Spurs squad.

About the author

Author of humorous essays about relationships and lifestyles.

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