Scent Sense


A man has to be cautious when buying gifts for his woman. As I strolled through Nordstrom’s killing time this past weekend, I thought about picking up a little something for the little something I’ve been dating. She kidded me in a text saying she’s a small and size seven. That didn’t help much.

With all of the girlie magazines I read, you’d think I’d know size seven refers to shoe size, not dress size. Well, now I do … and the clerk has a new funny comment to post on her Facebook page about the idiot who asked. I guess “size seven” could refer to ring size. Gulp!

I am a huge fan of fragrance. In fact, if you wear any of the following, I would like to smell you:

  1. Versace Bright Crystal
  2. Coach Poppy
  3. Paco Rabanne Lady Million (*gush*)

However, one has to be careful when buying fragrance. A delicate soul could take my gesture as a hint that she is malodorous. It could show my distaste for her taste in perfume. There’s also the possibility I invested $80 in a fancy bottle full of sniffles, as I have not checked her allergy chart.

I realize I can’t go wrong with flowers, but I feel so ordinary when I give them. It shows a lack of effort and creativity. It also seems cheap to me that I can buy them at the grocery store. Still, flowers usually get the tilted headed “aw” response that loosens the clothing.

Candy is an innocuous gesture as well. As long as my sweetie isn’t avoiding sweets, I’m safe. As an added bonus, I get to stare at the package drooling until she gets the hint and shares. OK, it’s a bit self-serving.

Also self-serving is lingerie. I can’t get enough of it. Lace reminds me of powdered sugar for some odd reason. I know to avoid VS until she guides me that way. Once I observe which garments cause pause, I have the intelligence I need to make my move. Damn, that holey stuff is expensive!

Another great gift option is wine. I’m smart enough to make sure it isn’t a bottle she brought me, as being caught re-gifting is a federal offense in most states. Californians are lucky to have many great wine choices. Back in PA, my choice was corn nuts or pretzel pieces.

I DJ’d for twenty years and have a decent ear for music. I’m often tempted to make a mix for my love, but sense that’s a bit adolescent. Perhaps if I placed the mix on a thumb drive, it would be cool. Part of the fun was making the custom cassette or CD cover–a lost art, indeed.

The safest bet, as with any relationship situation, is to ask. I’m good at that. I also know how to cover myself with a disclaimer like, “Your natural scent is so lovely, but there’s this perfume I smelled in one of those fold-y things in Cosmo, which made me semi-turgid. Would you try it if I bought some?”

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About the author

Author of humorous essays about relationships and lifestyles.