Don’t be such a sassypants.


I’m alarmed by the recent trend, and it must be stopped. The last thing a guy wants to do is struggle his way through a sassiness obstacle course to get penetration. Sassy is not sexy; it’s exhausting. Sit there and play the demure role (yes, we know you’re faking it), and let him do his mating dance without interruption.

If you feel compelled to make statements like these, I’m talking to you.

  • Oh my god, is that your best line?
  • I don’t give out my number.
  • Mommy didn’t have time to layout your wardrobe this morning?
  • Darling, I don’t think you can afford me.
  • That was horrible. Kiss me like you mean it.
  • Thank you for the drink. Go away now.
  • (Look him up and down, then shrug.)
  • You should shave your head.
  • What kind of car do you drive?
  • I’m sorry, my girlfriends and I are in the middle of a conversation. I’ll get back to you, maybe.

I find that women who act this way enjoy being slapped around–emotionally. If the poor fella cowers away, Miss Sassy feels she has exposed a weakness and wisely eliminated a poor mating choice. If he gives it back to her, her knees begin to part.

  • You’re not worthy of my best line.
  • Guess I can just get your number from above the urinal.
  • Nice tits. Where’d you get them?
  • Look around, sweetie. You’re not nearly hot enough to have an attitude.
  • I’d rather suck a bar mat than kiss you again, plunger lips.
  • You’re welcome for the drink. I do my part to take care of the homeless.
  • (Look her up and down, then vomit.)
  • And, you should shave your lip.
  • I drive the kind of car your daughter loves giving head in.
  • Ah, I see. Sorry to interrupt. Maybe one will offer you a slice of gum, dragon-breath.

Now, if you read the above and were amused, you’re off the hook. You’re a kind and funny woman who I’d love to meet and shower with gifts and compliments. If, on the other hand, you were offended, I suggest you fill out around ten copies of the Protection From Abuse forms you’re going to need in the coming months. What’s that? You’re sassy and single? Well, of course, you are.

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About the author

Author of humorous essays about relationships and lifestyles.