Twerk Jerks

San Diego School Board aroused by twerking. Blames the twerkers.

The San Diego school board has decided to allow sexual harassment charges to stand against high school students who were filmed dancing. In addition, the board has established a strict dress code to prevent further offenses. Girls must now dress in black burqas and wear President Nixon masks. Boys are required to wear Hefty trash bags with armholes and nylon stockings over their heads. Also, upon arriving at school, gym teachers will examine the genitals of each student. Any student found in an aroused state will be banished to the dungeons, where they are to make stones into pebbles the entire school day. Furthermore, any student caught wiggling or jiggling will be tied to a stake and whipped.

The board considered levying additional punishment in the form of food restrictions but could find nothing more repulsive than the week-old shepherd’s pie and strawberry milk already being force fed to the child slaves.

Oddly, hidden cameras under the conference room table clearly show four male board members pinching their penises while watching the video (for the twentieth time).

“Pause. Wait. Run that back ten seconds,” directed board member Peter K. Toucher. “The girl on the left. There. Can you zoom in? Thank you. Well, would you look at that? If I’m not mistaken, that’s a pink lace thong on that young lady. Disgusting.”

Mr. Toucher dismissed himself from the hearing, went straight to the little boys’ room, and emptied his testicles onto the floor in front of the toilet in stall #2. We know this because he carelessly slipped on the substance while leaving the stall, and chipped a tooth. Forensics specialists are still swabbing the area.

One of the parents, enraged by the school board’s decision, brought up some interesting facts about other school board members, who shall remain nameless until we stop laughing at them. These facts include:

  1. A member doing the Macarena naked in Walmart.
  2. A member who was rushed to the emergency ward in 2001 to have a zucchini removed from her anus.
  3. A member reenacting the Bellagio fountain show by drinking a case of beer and peeing on himself in his Vegas hotel room.
  4. A member sneaking in after hours and sniffing the boys’ locker room benches.
  5. A member pleasuring himself to Toddlers & Tiaras.
  6. A member’s Facebook page showing many racy self-portraits, including a Cinco de Mayo shot of a Labrador–under 18 in dog years even–licking guacamole from his naughty bits.

The school board also issued the following statement about the dancing students:

“This evil spawn must be stopped before they multiply. We highly suggest the parents of these beasts have them neutered immediately. We can’t have minors going around shaking their butts like it doesn’t mean anything. Next thing you know they’ll wind up doing something awful like joining a Broadway cast, or (heavens, no) Dancing with the Stars. Sex is for adults … who are married … and not gay. We’re pretty sure it says so in the Bible, somewhere around sacrificing animals and selling your daughters into slavery. We’ll not have our education system tainted by the junk in the teenage trunk. Adjourned!”

Fox5 San Diego Report

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Author of humorous essays about relationships and lifestyles.