“Lost time is never found again.” – Benjamin Franklin

Considering how much time people spend with their noses in their phones, there’s a need for time-saving tips. Most of the texting nowadays is done one-handed, with a thumb. I don’t know about you, but my thumb hits the right letter about fifty percent of the time. The longer the response, the greater the chance I’ll be fucked by auto-correct or annoying a line of cars behind me as I swerve. Hence, the best solution is to come up with abbreviations to save errant strokes. Heck, you wouldn’t type “laughing out loud,” would you? Nope. A simple “LOL” suffices.

Here are abbreviations I suggest women put to use immediately before neck cramps set in:

  • YNGLTSSB – You’re not getting laid tonight so stop begging.
  • WDWCFHO – Where do wide-cocked firemen hang out?
  • NMW – Need more wine.
  • VIC – Vegas is calling.
  • WFHWYV – Wouldn’t fuck him with your vagina.
  • SAWFTPW – She’s a whore from the planet Whoretopia.
  • IDFAGL – I’m due for a good licking.
  • CBNML – Cute bartender needs my lovin’.
  • OGSIME – Ouch! Got sperm in my eye.
  • ROTFLMAO – Rapper on the floor licking my ass out.

Men also struggle to text while driving, grocery shopping, running on the treadmill, and watching the big game (which was so rudely interrupted). There’s also the case when the man is hiding his phone beneath the table, trying to respond to option B while option A sits across from him. This is doubly dangerous. Blind texting may result in much embarrassment. Men should consider using this handy list of abbreviations:

  • FFBMC – Fat friend blocking my cock.
  • ETA – Exposed thong alert.
  • HT@6 – Huge titties at six o’clock. (Feel free to use numbers one through twelve, and TTAN means teeny titties, all nipple.)
  • XSM – Ex stalking me.
  • FOWNPYI – Friend of wife needs penis. You’re in.
  • WOWHMBJG – Where or where have my blowjobs gone? (You may add, WOWCTB, for emphasis.)
  • RFDJPIH – Real fucking drunk. Just peed in hamper.
  • BIG – Beer is good.
  • SHEA – Server has epic ass.
  • ROTFLMAO – Resting on the front lawn, must avoid old-lady.

If you become skilled at using these abbreviations, you could join the big leagues, such as the NFL (notes formerly long) or NBA (nothing but abbreviations). If you’re feeling edgy, you could join the UFC (ultimate finger conversation) league and practice MMA (many more abbreviations).

You say, “TY” (thick yolk), and I say, “YW” (yellow wildflower).

HAND (have a nice drug),

PHT (Phil’s hairy testicles)

P.S. (post silliness) GBTW (get back to work). TTYL (tongue tickling your labia).

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About the author

Author of humorous essays about relationships and lifestyles.