We’ve all been in that awkward position of beginning a difficult conversation, only to be preempted. You’ve gone on a hand full of dates with someone you found more attractive before the dates. This person has managed to lose points more quickly than a stoned gymnast. You discuss your break-up plan with your bestie, and you practice delivering the news gently. You decide to do it in a public venue to prevent someone from losing it.
“Hey, John, I wanted to talk to you about something.”
“You know, you’re a fine woman, I just don’t feel like this is going anywhere.”
“Please don’t be upset. You’re wonderful. I think the chemistry is off.”
“But, I was going to break up with you.”
“Ah, I see. Hey, whatever makes you feel better. Let’s stay friends, OK?”
“Don’t be like that.”
I had something similar happen last night. A woman I see out regularly–whom I have considered an acquaintance, which would never grow into anything but–said she wouldn’t go out with me because she doesn’t find me attractive. I never asked her out and had no intention. Her friend made the suggestion and, before I could remove the beer spout from my lips, suggestee slapped me with a five-point-five for my floor routine. Bitch.
At this point, I could have said, “Well, truth be told, I’m not attracted to you either, so it doesn’t matter if you’re attracted to me.” That would be accurate, but cruel, right? I set aside my dick-cap and played nice.
“Aw, and we were getting along so famously.”
“I’m sorry. I meant no offense.”
“Yes, you did.”
“You can’t be offended because you don’t match my taste in men.”
“And you don’t get to decide what offends me.”
“Look, you’re very handsome.”
“Don’t even try to backpedal. It’s fine.”
“Are you saying you’re attracted to me?”
“No, I’m not saying that.”
“You’re not attracted to me?”
“If I were attracted to you, I probably would have asked you out by now.”
“Not if you thought I wasn’t attracted to you.”
“My attraction to people is not determined by their attraction to me. For example, I’m highly attracted to that lovely server over there. I’m also confident that she is not attracted to me, and that’s sad but OK. Now, if she’s unattractive, it matters less because I don’t respect her opinion.”
“Is not. It’s logical.”
“So, you only respect the opinion of attractive people?”
“In regards to my attractiveness, yes.”
“That makes no sense.”
“It makes perfect sense. You’re not attracted to me, right?”
“Well, then the fact that even after a three-month drought, four shots of Cuervo, and dim lighting I couldn’t get my dick hard for you shouldn’t matter.”
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