Recipe: Mom’s Stuffed Artichokes

“Ma, I need something quick and easy I can whip up to impress a date.”

“You’re cooking for her? Sounds like a special girl. Is it serious?”

“Ma, food–talking food here.”

“Fine, don’t talk to your mother about it; just write it in your books.”

“That’s how I do.”

“How about artichokes? They’re a little messy. It will show you if she’s a priss or not.”

“Good strategy. Love you.”

I don’t really know when these fuckers are in season, but just keep looking in the produce section until you find a softball-sized one for under $10. If they’re over $10, give the finger to the clerk, and buy cheese and crackers.

You’re going to need other shit you probably don’t have in your cupboard, because the Pop-Tarts take up too much space: Italian (Is there any other kind?) breadcrumbs, garlic salt, and sprinkle-shit Parmesan that comes in that green cardboard cylinder. This fucker takes forever to cook, so maybe start it before you shower.

  1. Get a soup pot, and put three or so inches of water in it.
  2. Cut the bottom stem section of the artichoke so it will stand on its own.
  3. Turn it sideways and chop around an inch off the leaf tips.
  4. Pull the leaves apart a little. Watch you don’t cut yourself, and fuck up your day. Imagine telling your friends you cut yourself on a fucking plant. Not good.
  5. Mix the breadcrumbs, garlic salt, and parmesan (to taste) in a tiny bowl.
  6. Sprinkle that mix into the space you made between the leaves. Fill it up as much as possible.
  7. Place the artichoke in the water, stem side down. (Kind of hoping I wouldn’t need to specify that, but guaranteed if I didn’t, some dumb ass would dump all the stuffing by putting it in leaves first. Mouth-breathing shitheads.)
  8. Turn the heat on high.
  9. Cover it, so it boils more quickly, Slapnuts.
  10. Go do something, for a long time. Like fifteen minutes plus. Clear some Candy Crush levels, beat off, whatever.
  11. Check the pot, and make sure the water isn’t almost gone. Add more water. Let it keep boiling. I’m talking like a half hour or more. If the leaf meat isn’t tender, it will fuck up your day, and your date.
  12. Once soft on the bottom, turn the stove off, remove the plant, put it in a bowl to cool.
  13. Go answer the door. If your date shows empty-handed, tell that person to fuck off. If not, escort it to the dining area. A little fanny pat may be in order.
  14. Chat while scraping the leafy goo. There’s a method to do this, and I shouldn’t need to explain this shit, but I will. Grab the leaf by the tip (pointed end), place in mouth with the curvature facing down, bite down, pull leaf, scrape green stuff into mouth, chew, swallow, toss leaf into disposal bowl. If you have bottom dentures, then, well, you shouldn’t have made artichokes.
  15. Shine nails on chest, you talented fucker.

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About the author

Author of humorous essays about relationships and lifestyles.
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