Recipe: Grown-Up Breakfast

Ever stare at yourself in the mirror right after you wake up, and wonder who the porker in the mirror is? I do it daily. Pisses me off, actually. That fat prick is ruining my sex life. I’m like oh for winter. Fuck. It would make so much better sense if, as we gained weight, we became attracted to heavier mates. Nope. We like them skinny. Skinny people rarely like unskinny people, so the only solution is to trade the Asiago Bagel with cream cheese breakfast for fucking oatmeal.

  • Don’t you dare buy any of the instant crap, or the stuff flavored with maple syrup. That defeats the whole purpose. Behave, and buy Bob’s Red Mill Cereal Muesli. It comes in bags, and for oatmeal without all that sugary shit, it ain’t half bad. If your grocery store sucks monkey balls and doesn’t stock it, buy it on Amazon … and, get yourself an adult toy for kicks.
  • This is the key part because even good oatmeal still tastes like plaster of Paris. You need to find a high-protein, low-carb, tasty as, well, not shit protein powder. Unless you’re pregnant (What the fuck, dude?), you have to try this one I found called Ultra Peptide Whey, Lemon Cream Pie flavor. OMFG, is this stuff amazing or what? You’ll almost want to shovel the powder right into your noggin.
  • Now, dump an inch or so of the oatmeal into a bowl.
  • Sprinkle about half a scoop of the delicious powder on top.
  • Go to your fancy espresso machine and dispense hot water over the top. What? You don’t have an espresso machine? You’ve only inconvenienced yourself there, Fanny Frugal. Now you need to boil some water. Guess what? You can do that in a microwave. If you don’t have a microwave, please go stick a fork in an outlet.
  • Chow down the lemony goo, and watch the pounds vanish.

How good was this post?

Click on a star to rate it or just sit there and stare.

Average rating / 5. Vote count:

No votes so far. Oh, for fuck's sake, help a brother out. Click a star, puh-lees.

Since you found this post good ...

Follow me on social media.

About the author

Author of humorous essays about relationships and lifestyles.