Recipe: Butt-Burning Chili


If you don’t have a slow cooker, go get one (unless you live in Boston, for obvious reasons). Slow cookers fucking rule! There’s some timing involved here, so pay attention. Also, I’m not getting too specific about how much of each ditty to pick up, because chili flavor is and should be fucking subjective. Make it how you like it.

Part One:

  • Do this in the afternoon or night.
  • Go to the grocery store and buy canned tomatoes. I like spicy shit, mostly because I’m old and my tongue is numb. If you’re like me, get the one that has peppers in it too. I’d buy three cans or so. They’re cheap as shit.
  • Get this stuff too: Onions, bell peppers, garlic cloves, chili peppers, jalapeno peppers, your favorite bean mixture (the fart-making kind, not green beans, sweetie), two pounds of ground beef, half a pound of sweet sausage, half a pound of hot sausage.
  • I have this decorative spice rack that an ex bought me for decoration. Tired of looking at it, and guess what? It actually has useful shit for this recipe. You need cumin (tee hee) and chili powder.

Part Two:

  • Do this first thing in the morning.
  • Start frying up the meat. I suggest you cover it, or grease will splatter all over, and fuck up your day.
  • While it cooks, chop the peppers, onions, and garlic, and toss them in the cooker.
  • Toss in two or three cans of the tomato stuff.
  • Toss in a can or two of beans.
  • Don’t burn the damn meat. When it’s brown, turn off the heat, strain the grease into the sink (blow me, plumbers), and mix the meat into the cooker.
  • Spice that fucker. Just sprinkle away, the way you like it. Be careful with the chili powder–overdo that, and you’ll wind up with a real sphincter scorcher.
  • Let it cook on low for six or eight hours.
  • Eat a big fucking bowl for dinner, and let the rest cool, then put it in a container in the fridge.
  • I suggest you avoid doing this one on a date night. Watch TV by yourself on the sofa. You’re going to fart … a lot. Heck, have some fun and light one, or scare your sleeping cat.

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Author of humorous essays about relationships and lifestyles.
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