Recipe: Beer-garita

Boss (or spouse) being a noodge? Dog ate a shoe? Cat puked? Offspring making you crazy? You need a drink, don’t ya? Well, allow me.

You need:

  • 1 can of frozen Limeade concentrate. This stuff confuses the fuck out of me. Who drinks Limeade? I mean, without alcohol? Nobody. Yet, there are fucking stacks of it in the grocery freezer. Guess we’re all a bunch of Mexican wannabe drunks.
  • 12 ounces of fine, fine tequila. Don’t but the cheap stuff, or it will fuck up your tomorrow.
  • 12 ounces of filtered water. Remember, fish fuck in it.
  • 12 ounces of beer. Don’t use the dark stuff, even if you’re a yellow-toothed Brit. Ale, buddy.
  • 2 huge fucking limes cut into six wedges each. Do this before you drink, or you might cut off a finger, and fuck up your day.

Directions:

  • Pour all that stuff into a huge pitcher and stir it. Do not put it in a blender, genius, because it will foam all over the place, and, you know.
  • Salt the rim of a large glass. No, that doesn’t mean lick the top of the glass and throw salt at it. Put lime juice in a shallow dish, dunk the rim, then dip it in salt. Wah la.
  • Put a couple few cubes of ice in the glass. Yes, I said “a couple few.” Don’t like my English? You can file a complaint with my assistant, Hugo. Hugo Fukyerself.
  • Dump the mixture into the glass, without adulterating the salted rim, slappy.
  • Taste.
  • Add more tequila.
  • Taste.
  • Eat salty chips and dip. Perhaps, a cheese square.
  • Taste.
  • Look how pretty your mate just got.
  • You’re welcome.

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Author of humorous essays about relationships and lifestyles.

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